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                                  EASY "A"


                                 Written by
                        
                                Bert V. Royal
                        
                        
                        
                        
                                                     FIRST DRAFT
                                                  August 3, 2008
                        
  


                        IN DARKNESS:
                        
          OLIVE (V.O.)
          The rumors of my promiscuity have
          been greatly exaggerated.
                        
                         FADE IN:
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                        
         OLIVE PENDERGHAST (17), a cute teenager, speaks directly into
         the WEBCAM atop her computer.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Let the record show that I, Olive
          Penderghast, being of sound mind,
          ample breast size and the
          occasional corny knock knock joke,
          do enter this video blog into
          evidence in the case against me.
          Because I'm being judged by a jury
          of my peers, I will attempt to
          insert `like' and `totally' into my
          confession as much as possible. So
          here it goes... I confess I'm, in
          no small part, to blame for the
          vociferous gossip that has turned
          my Varsity letter scarlet, but -
          for anyone hoping that the sizzling
          details of my sordid past will
          provide you with a reason to lock
          the door and make love to a dollop
          of your sister's moisturizing
          lotion - you'll be gravely
          disappointed.
          (Beat.)
          Look, I just need to set the record
          straight and what better way to do
          that, than to broadcast it on the
          Internet. So, here it is -- Part
          One: The Shudder-Inducing and
          Cliched, However Totally False
          Account Of How I Lost My Virginity
          To A Guy At A Community College In
          A Neighboring Town.
          (Beat.)
          Let me just begin by saying that
          there are two sides to every story.
          This is my side, the right one.
          (Beat.)
          Like, totally.
          2.
                        
                        
         INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
                        
         Olive sits with her best friend, RHIANNON ABERNATHY (17), a
         brash teenager. It would be safe to say that these girls are
         definitely on the "B List" at their school.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Fuck off! George is not a `sexy'
          name. George is like what you name
          your teddy bear, not the name you
          wanna scream out during an orgasm.
                        
                         OLIVE
          That's bullshit. There are lots of
          sexy Georges.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Name three.
                        
         Olive starts to say something, but Rhiannon interrupts her.
                        
                         RHIANNON (CONT'D)
          Besides Clooney. Too easy.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Shouldn't that alone be enough?
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Fine. That's one. Number two?
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (THINKING)
          Okay. George... Ummmm... Reeves!
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Who's that?
                        
                         OLIVE
          Superman. From way back. He was
          hot.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          No way. Teddy bear.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Bullshit. Ben Affleck played him
          in that movie!
                        
                         RHIANNON
          So what? Charlize Theron played
          that butt-fucking-ugly lesbo serial
          killer. Besides he's from another
          century.
                         (MORE)
          3.
                        
                         RHIANNON (CONT'D)
          We're speaking present day. I
          mean, Jesus, Mortimer was probably
          a sexy name in some era.
                        
                         OLIVE
          George Stephanopolous.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          What are you? Fifty?
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (THINKING HARD)
          George...
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Bush? Yeah. He's one hot
          mutherfucker. Just face it.
          There's no such thing as a sexy
          George.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Well, mine is. So, I think we
          should just put this conversation
          to bed.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Fine. Don't come. I hate you.
                        
         Rhiannon folds her arms and pouts.
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                        
         Olive continues to narrate into her webcam.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Let me back up. I don't know if
          any of you have ever met them, but
          Rhiannon's parents are quite
          possibly the creepiest people in a
          four county radius.
                        
                        
         INT. THE ABERNATHY LIVING ROOM
                        
         MR. and MRS. ABERNATHY (50's) sit on their couch, smiling at
         the television, in their horrifically rustic home.
                        
         MR. ABERNATHY bares a striking resemblance to ukelele player,
         Tiny Tim. (Although the man we're looking at has an even
         more frightening smile.)
                        
         MRS. ABERNATHY has hair to her ankles and dresses like a
         Mormon.
          4.
                        
                        
          OLIVE (V.O.)
          I've always felt sort of sorry for
          Rhiannon, but not enough to do what
          she was asking me to do.
                        
         We float upwards to -
                        
                        
         INT. RHIANNON'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Rhiannon is on the phone, agitated.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          (Into the phone)
          PLEASE. Please. I'm begging you.
          I'll pay you.
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Olive is on the other end of the phone conversation.
                        
         We INTERCUT between the two sides.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Rhi, I can't. I told you I have
          plans.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          You're lying. You're a lying bitch
          and I hate you so much right now.
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (LYING)
          I'm not lying. I promise I'm not.
          I really would love to go camping
          with your family this weekend. I
          had fun with your family last year.
                        
                        
         EXT. WOODS - LAST YEAR - NIGHT
                        
         Olive, uncomfortable, and Rhiannon, bored, sit around a
         campfire with the Abernathys.
                        
         The couple stare at the fire with the same creepy smile
         plastered on their faces.
                        
         There is an excruciatingly long and painful silence.
                        
          MR. ABERNATHY
          Would you like a marshmallow, Olive
          Oil?
          5.
                        
                        
         Mrs. Abernathy squeaks out a meek titter that is annoyingly
         high-pitched.
                        
          MRS. ABERNATHY
          Olive oil. That's funny. Very,
          very funny.
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (POLITELY)
          No thank you, Mr. Abernathy.
                        
          MR. ABERNATHY
          You can call me Mortimer, Olive
          Branch.
                        
         Mrs. Abernathy titters again. Rhiannon rolls her eyes.
                        
         There is another awkwardly long silence, while the Abernathys
         grin away at their fire.
                        
                        
         INT. RHIANNON'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
                        
         Rhiannon is getting increasingly angrier at her friend.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          (Into the phone)
          Why don't you just say it? You
          don't like my parents. You think
          they're hopelessly pathetic and
          devoid of souls and wish that you
          could live with normal people who
          didn't meet at a Star Trek
          convention!!
                        
         She quickly catches her faux pas and stops talking.
                        
                         OLIVE
          (Sympathetic to her
                         FRIEND)
          Rhi, I like your parents. They're
          sweet. But I can't go camping this
          weekend.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Quick. Hurry and make up a lie.
                        
                         OLIVE
          I have a date.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Liar.
          6.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (LYING)
          No. I do.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          With who?
                        
                         OLIVE
          You don't know him.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          And neither do you, you selfish
          bitch!
                        
                         OLIVE
          I'm serious. He goes to the
          community college with my brother
          in Denton.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          What's his name then?
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (WAXING CUTE)
          Who? My brother?
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Stop stalling. You're totally
          trying to come up with a name.
          Just say it.
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                        
         Into the webcam --
                        
                         OLIVE
          I'm not proud of this. Less about
          the lie and more about the
          unoriginality of it. Okay, have
          you guys ever watched `The Brady
          Bunch'? Of course you haven't.
          You're busy watching fake people
          pretend to be real on MTV. That's
          why I knew I could get away with
          it. See, there was this episode
          where Jan - the awkward middle
          child - made up a boyfriend to
          assuage the ridicule of her snatchy
          sister who had just stolen the
          heart of the boy that Jan loved.
          The name of her imaginary boyfriend
                         WAS --
          7.
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - DAY
                        
                         OLIVE
          (Into the phone)
          George Glass.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          George? What kind of a fucking
          name is George?
                        
                         OLIVE
          He's pretty hot and he asked me out
          this weekend, so I said yes.
                        
         Although still skeptical, she seems a tad more mollified.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          If you're choosing him over helping
          me cope with two days in the
          wilderness with these people who
          even I'm not convinced aren't
          serial killers, he had better be
          the one. You had better fucking
          marry him, have fucking babies with
          him and then take him for fucking
          everything he's worth.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Deal.
                        
                        
         INT. CAFETERIA - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Rhi and Olive continue their conversation, as Rhi pops a
         tater tot into her mouth.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          (With her mouth full)
          You're not off the hook, you know.
          I want lurid details. This had
          better be the best date of your
          life to counterbalance the worst
          weekend of mine.
                        
                         OLIVE
          I'm sure you'll have a good time.
                        
                        
         EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
                        
         Rhi sits, bored and uncomfortable, while her parents smile at
         the campfire for an, again, awkwardly long moment.
          8.
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                        
         To her webcam --
                        
                         OLIVE
          (Through the proverbial
                         CLENCHED TEETH)
          Even though we now hate each other,
          Rhi, I really hope you're watching
          this. Because this part's for you.
          The lurid details of my weekend en
          flagrante delicto with the all-too-
          imaginary, yet surprisingly
          satisfying George Glass:
                        
         Ken Nordine's beat poem `OLIVE,' (from the late 60's album
         `Colors'), underscored to jazz, plays as we see a montage of
                        OLIVE'S WEEKEND:
                        
         In her bedroom, Olive --
                        
         -- watches `The Notebook,' pining over Ryan Gosling.
                        
          KEN NORDINE (V.O.)
          Olive.
          Poor thing.
                        
         -- paints her toenails Jungle Red.
                        
          KEN NORDINE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
          Sits and thinks
          that it's drab.
          Sure does.
          Sits and sits and sits and sits and
                         THINKS
          about it's olive drab drab.
                        
         -- dances to the jazz music, but alone, in her underwear and
         a t-shirt that declares: `Hands off.'
                        
          KEN NORDINE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
                         DOESN'T KNOW
          that it is about to be named
          `Color of the Year,'
          by those with the nose for the new.
          By the passionate few.
          Yeah...
                        
         -- reads TEEN PEOPLE magazine.
                        
          KEN NORDINE (CONT'D)
          Olive is definitely in.
                         EVERYTHING
          that can possibly mean
                         (MORE)
          9.
                        
          KEN NORDINE (CONT'D)
          anything!
          Anywhere!
          At least for a year.
                        
         -- dances some more.
                        
          KEN NORDINE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
          Has got to be Olive!
          Did you hear that Olive?
          Did ya?
          Know what it means?
          Oh Olive!
          There'll be olive cars
          and olive trucks
          and olive chickens
          and olive ducks
          and olive socks
          and olive garters
          And olive brakes
          and olive starters!
          Olive, sorry!
          Olive, please!
                         OLIVE WHATNOTS
          and olive trees!
          Olive trees?
          What a quaint notion...
          Olive trees.
                         (CHUCKLING)
          Olive.
                        
         Out of breath from dancing, she walks over and displaces the
         NEEDLE from the KEN NORDINE ALBUM she's playing.
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                        
         To the webcam --
                        
                         OLIVE
          But on Monday, when Rhi asked me
          how my weekend was...
                        
                        
         INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
                        
         Olive and Rhi walk, with books in hand, to class - weaving in
         and out of people.
                        
                         OLIVE
          It was nothing short of perfection.
          10.
                        
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Details, bitch. Wait, first I need
          a scope of reference. Who would
          play him in the movie of your life?
                        
                         OLIVE
          Ryan Gosling, definitely.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          That works. Spill.
                        
                         OLIVE
          He was charming. A real gentleman.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Are you going to see him again?
                        
                         OLIVE
          Probably not. It was just one of
          those weekends.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          The whole weekend?
                        
                         OLIVE
          Yeah.
                        
         Rhiannon suddenly stops and twirls Olive to face her.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Wait a minute. You didn't...
                        
                         OLIVE
          No, of course not.
                        
                         RHIANNON
                         (VERY LOUDLY)
          You fucking liar! You totally lost
          your virginity to him.
                        
         Pedestrian students stop in their tracks to stare at them.
                        
                         OLIVE
          I did not.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          YES YOU DID, YOU LYING FUCKING
          WHORE!
                        
         Olive grabs her and drags her forward, interrupting the show.
                        
                         RHIANNON (CONT'D)
          Tell me everything and spare me the
          coquettish `just-the-tip' bullshit.
                         (MORE)
          11.
                        
                         RHIANNON (CONT'D)
          I know you did it! I know you let
          him put it inside you, so just TELL
          ME!
                        
                         OLIVE
          I'm not that kind of girl.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          The kind that does it or the kind
          that does it like a fucking porn
          star and then doesn't have the
          balls to talk about it?
                        
         Rhi drags her into the --
                        
                        
         INT. GIRLS' ROOM - CONTINUOUS
                        
         -- and abrasively, gets up in Olive's face.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          I want every perverted detail.
          NOW, bitch.
                        
         Pressured, Olive lies.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Okay. Fine. We did it.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          You lost your virginity! Fucking
          finally! Now, you're a super-slut
          like me!
                        
                         OLIVE
          Rhi. Blowing Peter Tolliver once
          behind the Pizza Hut doesn't make
          you a super-slut.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          There were people walking past.
          Whatever, this isn't about me.
          This is about YOU. What did you
          let him do?
                        
          OLIVE (V.O.)
          I started piling on lie after lie.
          It was like setting up Jenga.
                        
                         CUT TO:
          12.
                        
                        
         A well-manicured FEMALE HAND stacks WOODEN JENGA BLOCKS onto
         a table.
                        
                         BACK TO:
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          It was... Normal. Nothing freaky.
          It was sweet. HE was sweet.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Was he big? Did it hurt?
                        
                         OLIVE
          No. It was great. Like I said.
          Okay, that's enough.
                        
         The toilet flushes and MARIANNE BRYANT (16), an Aryanesque,
         cardigan-wearing Christian-girl exits from a stall and walks
         to the sink, where she vigorously washes her hands - while
         staring at Rhi and Olive with disgust.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          What the fuck are you looking at,
          Marianne?
                        
                         MARIANNE
          Nothing. Just a couple of admitted
          whores.
                        
         Marianne wipes her hands and leaves the restroom. Olive's
         stomach revolves at her now-turned-public admission.
                        
                         OLIVE
          So, how was your weekend?
                        
         (I promise it's the last time...)
                        
                        
         EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
                        
         The Abernathys smile at the campfire, roasting WEINERS.
         Rhiannon would rather be anywhere other than there.
                        
          MR. ABERNATHY
          Wienie, Rhi?
                        
         Rhi snorts in contempt of her father and his wienie.
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                        
         Into the webcam --
          13.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE
          Marianne Bryant, as we all know, is
          the President of the Christian
          Student Coalition and is that rare
          breed of human born with a stick
          the size of a baseball bat
          implanted up her anus. God's
          honest. I'm sure it's in some
          medical dictionary somewhere.
                        
                        
         INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - LAST YEAR
                        
         Marianne and her lackey, NINA HOWELL (16), who's just as
         awful as she is, pass out flyers.
                        
          OLIVE (V.O.)
          Last year's cause celebre was the
          changing of the school mascot,
          which she spearheaded.
                        
         Marianne aggressively shoves her literature into passing
         students faces.
                        
                        
         INT. GYM - LAST YEAR
                        
         The school's MASCOT (17), a SHIRTLESS MUSCULAR KID painted
         BLUE and costumed as a DEVIL, bursts into the auditorium and
         begins to rile students up by thrusting his PITCHFORK in the
         air.
                        
                         MASCOT
          Blue Devils! Blue Devils! Blue
          Devils!
                        
         The crowd goes wild.
                        
                        
         INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - LAST YEAR -
                        CONTINUOUS
                        
         Marianne, melodramatically, grabs a PASSING STUDENT by the
         arm.
                        
                         MARIANNE
          How can we exhibit school pride
          when we're conveyed to others as
          satan worshippers?
                        
         The scared student takes her pamphlet and runs away.
          14.
                        
                        
          OLIVE (V.O.)
          Now, thankfully, we're the much
          less intimidating --
                        
                        
         INT. GYM - LAST YEAR - MONTHS LATER
                        
         The mascot, unenthusiastic and feeling ridiculous, walks into
         the gym dressed as a --
                        
          OLIVE (V.O.)
          Meerkat.
                        
                         MASCOT
          Go meerkats! Go meerkats!
                        
         He can't seem to get himself or the student body as excited -
         with the exception of Marianne and Nina, in the stands
         applauding proudly.
                        
         The school band is playing `GOLDFINGER.'
                        
         Across the gym, Olive sits with Rhiannon.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          What the fuck is a meerkat anyway?
                        
                         OLIVE
          Beats the hell out of me. But can
          we just take a moment to applaud
          the Barbara Bush High School
          Marching Band for their very
          ambitious effort to learn all of
          the James Bond theme music in a
          single year? I personally wish
          them all the best in their
          endeavor. Ku-dos!
                        
                         RHIANNON
          I think I speak for all of the
          female students and faculty - and
          maybe a couple of males - when I
          say that I liked Todd much better
          when he was shirtless. I actually
          looked forward to these disturbing
          displays of -- what do they call
          it?
                        
                         OLIVE
          School spirit.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Yeah. That's it.
          15.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE
          Even dressed as a meerkat, I still
          fantasize about him.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Ha! What are those people called
          again? The ones that dress up like
          stuffed animals when they do it?
                        
                         OLIVE
          Communists.
                        
         Rhiannon laughs.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Shhh. Don't let Marianne hear you
          say that word. The last thing we
          need is McCarthyism at Barbara
          Bush.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Isn't high school already a hotbed
          of just that?
                        
                         RHIANNON
          True.
          (Beat.)
          Yeah, I'd totally fuck Meerkat
          Todd.
                        
         They both get lost in the thought.
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                        
         Into the webcam --
                        
                         OLIVE
          So, of course, immediately I knew
          that the little white lie I told to
          my then-best-friend in the ladies
          room would come back to bite me on
          the ass. However, even I - who my
          fourth grade teacher stated on my
          report card `has an imagination
          that should be quickly expunged' -
          had no idea how quickly this
          article of fiction would spread.
          So, now we move on to Part Two: The
          Accelerated Velocity of
          Terminological Inexactitude.
          16.
                        
                        
         INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
                        
         Olive loads books into her locker. She sees Marianne walk
         past with Nina. They give her a repulsed look.
                        
         Olive decides to nip this in the bud. She catches up to
         them.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Hey Marianne, can I talk to you for
          a second?
                        
         Nina, reluctantly, gives them a moment alone.
                        
                         MARIANNE
                         (EXASPERATED)
          What?
                        
                         OLIVE
          Listen, what you heard in the
          bathroom, that wasn't true. It's
          actually a funny story. Do you
          ever watch `The Brady Bunch'?
                        
                         MARIANNE
          Olive - that's your name, right?
                        
         Olive knows that Marianne knows her name, but obligingly
         nods.
                        
                         MARIANNE (CONT'D)
          I'm not the one you have to answer
          to for your depraved behavior.
          There is a higher power to judge
          your indecency.
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (JOKINGLY)
          Who? The guidance counselor?
                        
                         MARIANNE
                         (ICILY)
          I hope for your sake, God has a
          sense of humor.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Oh, I have sixteen years worth of
          anecdotal proof that He does.
                        
         Olive looks over and sees that Nina is talking to a group of
         GUYS, who are looking at Olive, intrigued.
          17.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
                         (SOTTO VOCE)
          Damn it.
                        
         Marianne sees what her friend is doing and smiles at Olive,
         coldly.
                        
                         MARIANNE
          Look. You've made your bed. I
          just hope for your sake, you
          cleaned the sheets.
                        
         She turns on her heels and leaves Olive behind.
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (TO HERSELF)
          Did I just get saved?
                        
         She shakes off her attempt and continues on her way, walking
         past the guys who smile at her. This alarms her.
                        
          GUY IN HALL
          Hey Olive. How's it going?
                        
         Without stopping --
                        
                         OLIVE
          I'm swell, guy-I've-never-laid-eyes-
          on-before. Thanks for asking.
                        
          OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
          All I could think to myself was
          `Great, now I'm going to have to
          start wearing red lipstick and
          stiletto heels.'
                        
         Battling her frustration, she goes to class.
                        
                        
         INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
                        
         Olive eats dinner with her family.
                        
         Her father, DILL (40's), is a regular dad-kinda-guy. Her
         mother, ROSEMARY (40's) is heavyset with a fun disposition.
         Also in attendance is her `a-little-too-precious' sister,
         GINGER (12).
                        
         Olive and her folks get along really well.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Hey, you guys know that I was here
          all weekend, right?
          18.
                        
                        
         They all nod at her.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          And you would testify to that?
                        
                         DILL
                         (SLIGHTLY CONCERNED)
          What's up, sweet pea?
                        
                         OLIVE
          It's nothing. Just the rumor mill.
                        
                         ROSEMARY
          What's the rumor mill turning out
          these days?
                        
                         OLIVE
          Seriously, it's nothing.
                        
         They continue to eat.
                        
                         ROSEMARY
          Don't forget your brother's staying
          here next weekend.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Why? He never comes home.
                        
                         ROSEMARY
          They're fumigating the dorms. And
          thank God for that. Last time I
          was there, I saw three cockroaches.
                        
                         GINGER
                         (WHINY)
          Mom, can you please not say that
          word while I'm eating?
                        
                         ROSEMARY
          Sorry, hon.
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                        
         Into the webcam --
                        
                         OLIVE
          Like all families, mine has a deep
          dark secret. And since I'm
          spilling all this dirt, I might as
          well go ahead and confess it.
                        
         She takes a deep breath.
          19.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          I'm trusting that this nugget of
          information isn't going to be
          spread around, but - okay, here it
          goes: My dad's name is Dill and my
          mother's name is Rosemary. They
          were so amused by this that they
          decided to name all of their
          children after --
                         (FEIGNING DISCOMFORT)
          -- edible items.
          (With mock emotion)
          My brother's name is Sage and my
          sister's name is Ginger. It's
          shocking, I know. We're like a
          fucking pantry, us Penderghasts!
                         (SNAPPING BACK)
          But at least my parents didn't meet
          at a `Star Trek' convention, BITCH!
          Sorry. Now, I'm just being mean.
          Okay. Back to the story.
                        
                        
         INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
                        
         As Olive walks through school, she is met with a totally
         different energy. She no longer blends in. Guys are
         checking her out. Girls are glaring at her, scornfully.
                        
         She's kind of digging it.
                        
          OLIVE (V.O.)
          So, while I would never have
          classified myself as a wallflower,
          I was now the center of attention
          and who doesn't love that? Jeez,
          if I'd known that losing my
          virginity would create such a new
          persona for myself, I'd have lied
          about it back in eighth grade.
          Eighth grade sucked. I did get my
          first kiss back then, however. It
          was gross and kind of turned me off
          to the whole my-tongue-in-other-
          people's-mouths thing. Not to
          mention, the even-worse other-
          people's-tongues-in-MY-mouth thing.
          Seriously, folks. Who invented
          kissing? Why is everyone so dead-
          set on sticking their body parts in
          other people's orifices? If
          there's a hole on a person, rest
          assured, somebody wants to stick
          something of theirs in it.
          20.
                        
                        
         INT. CLOSET
                        
         In almost complete darkness, a very nervous EIGHTH GRADE
         OLIVE (13) sits with a scared shitless EIGHTH GRADE KID (13).
                        
         You can hear other PRE-TEENS snickering and whispering
         outside the door.
                        
          EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
          So, I think this is the part where
          you're supposed to stick your
          tongue in my mouth. It's just what
          I've heard.
                        
          EIGHTH GRADE KID
          Just give me a second, okay?
                        
         Olive presses a button and her watch illuminates.
                        
          EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
          According to my watch, you have 382
          of them.
                        
          EIGHTH GRADE KID
          How do you do that?
                        
          EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
          What?
                        
          EIGHTH GRADE KID
          Add so fast. And you also talk
          like a grown up.
                        
          EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
          Don't worry. I'm not nearly as
          smart as I think I am.
                        
         The kid snickers. He feels a little more at ease.
                        
          EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE (CONT'D)
          I think it's just practice. For
          when I do grow up. Plus, don't
          sweat it. Girls mature faster than
          boys.
                        
          EIGHTH GRADE KID
          That's what they say.
                        
          EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
          And it's probably the reason I'm
          ready to do this and you're not.
                        
          EIGHTH GRADE KID
          Is it that obvious?
          21.
                        
                        
          EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
          Painfully so.
                        
          EIGHTH GRADE KID
          So, if we didn't do anything, would
          you tell everybody?
                        
          EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
          Absolutely. I will tell everyone
          you pussied out and the whole
          school will make fun of you and
          you'll most likely spend the rest
          of your teen years as a joke - no,
          even worse - a cautionary tale.
                        
         They both laugh.
                        
          EIGHTH GRADE KID
          The Kid Who Opted Not To Kiss The
          Girl.
                        
          EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
          They'll tell it for years. It'll
          be a suburban legend.
                        
         The kid smiles warmly and gratefully at her.
                        
          EIGHTH GRADE KID
          Thanks, Olive.
                        
          EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
          Don't mention it.
                        
          EIGHTH GRADE KID
          No. YOU don't mention it.
                        
         She extends her pinky to him. They link pinkies and they
         swear on it.
                        
          EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
          We still have five minutes and
          thirty six seconds.
                        
         There's a long silence.
                        
          EIGHTH GRADE KID
          I'm really interested in politics.
                        
          EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
          Oh yeah?
                        
          EIGHTH GRADE KID
          Totally.
          22.
                        
                        
          EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
          Well,... Uh.... Cool.
                        
         There's another long silence. Finally, from outside the door
                        --
                        
          PRETEEN KID (O.S.)
          Ewwwww. Hunter Neblett just puked
          all over the dining room.
                        
         Olive and the kid listen as people scurry from outside the
         closet.
                        
          EIGHTH GRADE KID
          Thank God.
                        
          EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
          Hey, we're in Junior High. Vomit-
          viewing will always trump spit-
          swapping.
                        
         The kid starts to make his grand escape, but Olive stops him.
                        
          EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE (CONT'D)
          Real fast - and you can tell me the
          truth. It's not because I'm --
                        
         The kid smiles.
                        
          EIGHTH GRADE KID
          No. You're very pretty.
                        
         He extends his pinky and she links it to hers. He kisses her
         quickly on the cheek and darts from the closet.
                        
         Olive sits in the closet for a moment, contemplating what
         just happened, wondering if he was telling the truth, then
         she opens the door.
                        
         The coast is clear, except for ANOTHER PRETEEN KID walking
         past. She aggressively grabs him and pulls him into the
         closet with her and, promptly, thrusts her tongue into his
         mouth.
                        
         They make out.
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                        
         Olive seems lost in thought. She snaps back to reality and
         the task at hand.
          23.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE
          If I'd known that Meerkat Todd was
          going to turn out so hot, I
          probably would have cherished the
          moment more. I suppose just that
          I'm sitting here reminiscing about
          it means that it must have meant
          something.
          (Beat.)
          Yeah, so anyway - kissing's not
          really my thing. That's what I
          learned in Natalie Giblin's closet.
          I digress...
                        
                        
         INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
                        
         Olive half-listens in class, while her English teacher MR.
         GRIFFIN (early 30's), a handsome guy, lectures on `THE
         SCARLET LETTER.'
                        
          OLIVE (V.O.)
          So, I'm feeling like the cat's ass,
          because everyone thinks I've been
          deflowered. I'm surprised at how
          empowered I felt by this
          prevarication. I wonder to myself,
          would I feel this invigorated if I
          had actually let some college kid
          violate me in his cockroach-
          infested dorm room? Probably not.
          (Beat.)
          Ironically, we were studying `The
          Scarlet Letter,' but isn't that
          always the way with these teenage
          tales? The literature you read in
          class always seems to have a strong
          connection with whatever angsty
          adolescent drama is being
          recounted. I consider this.
          (Pause.)
          Then I think: Except for
          `Huckleberry Finn.' I don't know
          any teenage boys who have ever run
          away with a big, hulking black guy.
                        
          MR. GRIFFIN
          Alright, so thoughts?
                        
         Nina raises her hand. Mr. Griffin points to her.
                        
                         NINA
          I think Hester Prynne was - excuse
          my language - a whore.
          24.
                        
                        
          MR. GRIFFIN
          You don't see her as a victim?
                        
                         NINA
          Why should I? She brought it on
          herself.
                        
         Nina whips around and gives Olive a look, surprising her.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Excuse me?
                        
                         NINA
          Perhaps you should embroider a red
          A on your wardrobe?
                        
                         OLIVE
          Perhaps you should GET a wardrobe,
          you twat!
                        
         The class bursts into surprised laughter. Even Mr. Griffin
         tries hard to suppress a congratulatory glance in her
         direction.
                        
          OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
          Admittedly, not my best line. But
          it was provocative enough to land
          me in the Principal's office.
                        
         Mr. Griffin, begrudgingly, calls her to his desk. He starts
         writing something on a piece of paper.
                        
                        
         INT. FRONT OFFICE - BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
                        
         Olive sits with her arms crossed outside of the Principal's
         office. She clenches a note in her fist.
                        
         Marianne, who's an office aid, has a smirk on her face as she
         watches Olive squirm. She slams her fist down on the
         stapler, repetitively.
                        
                        FINALLY --
                        
                         MARIANNE
          Seems as if someone's on a downward
          spiral.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Seems as if someone's practicing
          the mundane activities she'll be
          saddled with the rest of her
          pathetic life.
          25.
                        
                        
                         MARIANNE
          You have a chip on your shoulder
          the size of Texas.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Wow, that's even bigger than your
          ass.
                        
                         MARIANNE
                         (COLDLY)
          You're going to hell.
                        
                         OLIVE
          (Growing weary of this
                         BANTER)
          As long as you won't be there...
                        
                         MARIANNE
          Oh, I can assure you I won't.
                        
         Neither says anything for a few moments.
                        
                         MARIANNE (CONT'D)
          I hope you at least had the good
          sense to wear a condom.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Why? Your parents didn't.
                        
                         MARIANNE
          You know, you're just like --
                        
         The principal's door opens and Marianne quickly shuts up and
         continues her work.
                        
         TWO KIDS emerge. One, obviously, a bully; the other,
         obviously, the bullied. The BULLIED kid is holding a
         BLOODIED TISSUE up to his nose. He and Olive exchange
         meaningful glances.
                        
         PRINCIPAL GIBBONS (60's), a colossal prick disguised as a
         man, gestures for her to come in. Olive gets up and enters --
                        
                        
         INT. PRINCIPAL GIBBONS'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
                        
         He closes the door behind them. He holds his hand out and
         she gives him the note that Mr. Griffin wrote. Gibbons
         studies it.
                        
                         PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
          I don't know you.
                        
         She thrusts her hand out.
          26.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE
          Olive Penderghast.
                        
         He eyes her hand, not amused, and she quickly withdraws it.
                        
                         PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
          Why are we just now meeting? Using
          language like this should have
          warranted a visit to me years ago.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Well, to be perfectly honest - I've
          never used an epithet like this in
          an educational arena before. Sir.
                        
                         PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
          This is foul.
                        
                         OLIVE
          In my defense, I think I meant to
          say `twit.' It just came out more -
          what's the word I'm looking for?
          Veracious.
                        
                         PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
          A young lady with such an extensive
          vocabulary shouldn't be stooping to
          such vituperations.
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (SMILING)
          Touch�.
                        
         As serious as a heart attack...
                        
                         PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
          Wipe that smile off your face --
          (Consulting the note)
          Olive. I don't tolerate this kind
          of language. Ever. Consider this
          your first warning. If I find out
          you've used a word like this in my
          school again, I will make sure that
          it's your last. I don't operate on
          a `three strikes you're out
          system'. You get one warning from
          me.
                        
         She starts to say something --
                        
          PRINCIPAL GIBBONS (CONT'D)
          Think very carefully before you
          speak.
          27.
                        
                        
         She relents, but stares him squarely in the eyes.
                        
                         OLIVE
          I always do. Are we finished?
                        
         He gestures to the door.
                        
                         PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
          Detention tomorrow after school in
          Room 704. And, young lady, I don't
          want to see you again.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Not even in a more positive
          capacity? Maybe I could win a
          ribbon or a medal or something. I
          could conceivably be valedictorian.
          Or something.
                        
                         PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
                         (FRIGHTENINGLY SERIOUS)
          Get out of my office now.
                        
         She quickly runs out of his office.
                        
                        
         EXT. BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY
                        
         Rhiannon, excitedly, approaches Olive - dying to talk to her.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Please tell me the rumors are true.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Yes, I'm a big whore.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Not that one. The one where you
          called Nina Howell a cunt and then
          socked her in the nose.
                        
                         OLIVE
          It's not entirely true.
          (Beat.)
          Look, there's something I need to
          tell you.
                        
         Rhiannon ignores her sincere attempt to confess.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Yeah. Like the exact moment you
          turned into such a BAD ASS? I
          think I'm in LOVE with you.
                         (MORE)
          28.
                        
                         RHIANNON (CONT'D)
          Please tell me you at least left a
          mark on that scrunched-up face of
          hers. POW! The cunt goes down for
          the count!
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (FRUSTRATED)
          Never mind.
                        
         Rhiannon pulls her keys from her purse and they walk to her
         car.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          I want a car.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Please. It's my only perk. Trust
          me.
                        
         They get into her car.
                        
                        
         INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
                        
         The scene looks the same. Olive sits with her family, having
         family dinner.
                        
                         OLIVE
          I got sent to the Principal today.
                        
         Her parents seem more impressed than upset. This is
         definitely a first.
                        
                         DILL
          What did you do?
                        
                         OLIVE
          I used inappropriate language in
          English class. But we're reading a
          book that I, personally, deem
          wildly inappropriate for my age
          group, so I felt that it was
          actually quite apropos.
                        
                         ROSEMARY
          (More curious than angry)
          What did you say?
                        
         Olive looks to her little sister and thinks better of saying
         the word out loud.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Let's just say it was an
          inappropriate word.
          29.
                        
                        
                         DILL
          What did it start with?
                        
                         OLIVE
          A snide comment from a snotty-ass
          girl in my class.
                        
                         DILL
          I meant what letter did it start
          with?
                        
                         OLIVE
          Oh. Yeah. T.
                        
                         ROSEMARY
          T? That's an odd one. Is this one
          of those new curse words?
                        
         Both her parents wheels are going. They're both seeking the
         answer in their heads, but are coming up with nothing.
                        
                         ROSEMARY (CONT'D)
          Was it -- ?
                        
         She leans over and whispers something in her daughter's ear.
                        
                         OLIVE
          I don't even know what that means.
                        
                         ROSEMARY
          Yeah. Neither do I.
                        
         Her parents search their brains, but nothing is coming to
         them.
                        
                         DILL
          Okay. Noun, adjective or verb?
                        
                         OLIVE
          Noun. Definitely slang. Think
          British, although they pronounce it
          differently.
                        
                         ROSEMARY
          Well, I'm stumped. Whisper it in
          my ear.
                        
                         OLIVE
          I can't. Too weird.
                        
         Excited by the prospect --
                        
                         ROSEMARY
          Oo! Oo! Spell it with your peas!
          30.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE
          Now, THAT'S a challenge.
                        
         She begins maneuvering her peas around the plate.
                        
                         DILL
          Does this have something to do with
          this rumor you were talking about
          the other night?
                        
         Olive touches her index finger to her nose, as she continues
         to manipulate her food.
                        
                         DILL (CONT'D)
          Is there something you want to tell
          us, kiddo?
                        
                         OLIVE
          I'm spelling it out for you as
          quickly as I can.
                        
                         GINGER
          (Desperate for attention)
          I got a B plus on my spelling test
          today.
                        
         Too intrigued by Olive's admission to really care --
                        
                         ROSEMARY
          Good, sweetheart.
                        
         Rosemary figures it out as Olive is assembling the A.
                        
                         ROSEMARY (CONT'D)
          Oh, I know what it is!
                        
         She leans over and whispers it in Dill's ear. He nods in
         understanding.
                        
                         GINGER
          (Glancing at Olive's
                         PLATE)
          What's a twat?
                        
         Olive quickly scrapes the peas into a pile.
                        
                         DILL
          It's a word that will get you sent
          to the principal's office.
                        
                         ROSEMARY
          (Whispering into Ginger's
                         EAR)
          It's not a good word.
                         (MORE)
          31.
                        
                         ROSEMARY (CONT'D)
                         (TO OLIVE)
          So, what was the principal like?
                        
                         OLIVE
          The male equivalent.
                        
                         ROSEMARY
          Of what?
                        
         Now, it's Dill's turn to whisper in Rosemary's ear. She nods
         in understanding.
                        
                         DILL
          Well, it's the first time since
          second grade, so I guess we can't
          be too hard on you.
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (GENUINELY CURIOUS)
          What would my punishment have been
          otherwise?
                        
                         DILL
          I dunno. To bed without supper?
                        
                         OLIVE
          But I'm already finished. Except
          for my helpful and profane peas.
                        
                         DILL
                         (THINKING HARD)
          Uhhhh. This grounding thing seems
          to be taking the country by storm.
          No phone, TV or... Or....
                        
                         OLIVE
          I'll help you out. I don't have
          anyone to call. I haven't watched
          TV since they cancelled `The
          Illegitimate Children of the Real
          Housewives of Laguna Beach' and I
          really only watched that as a joke.
                        
                         DILL
          Fine. I'd take away your --
                        
                         OLIVE
          Books? Computer?
                        
                         DILL
          Yes! You're computer!
          32.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE
          All my homework's on there. Sorry.
          You lose. But thanks for playing.
                        
                         DILL
                         (SMILING WARMLY)
          I guess then I'm lucky this isn't a
          regular occurrence.
                        
         Olive gets up from the table and kisses her dad on the cheek.
                        
                         OLIVE
          I think we both are. I wouldn't
          know how to be grounded any more
          than you know how to ground.
                        
                         DILL
          I love you.
          (Whispering in her ear)
          And I'm sure that girl was acting
          like exactly what you called her.
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (WHISPERING BACK)
          You have no idea.
                        
         She goes over and kisses her mom on the cheek, as well.
         Leaving the dining room --
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          How's about I go and punish myself?
          Mea culpa, mea culpa.
                        
         She retreats upstairs.
                        
                         GINGER
          How come you guys never get mad at
          her?
                        
                         ROSEMARY
          Because, pumpkin, of our three
          darling children, we love her best.
          (Erupting into laughter)
          Just kidding! Now eat your dinner.
                        
         Dill chuckles, but Ginger is not amused.
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                        
         Into the webcam --
          33.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE
          The next day, things took a turn
          for the scandalous. Which brings
          us to Part Three: A Lady's Choice
          and a Gentleman's Agreement.
                        
         She smiles slyly into her camera.
                        
                        
         INT. ROOM 704 - DAY
                        
         Bored, Olive sits at a desk in a classroom, reading a
         tattered copy of `The Scarlet Letter.' She's dressed much
         racier and is starting to look pretty hot.
                        
         There's only one other person in the room. The BULLIED KID
         seen by Olive leaving Gibbons's office the day before.
                        
         The bullied kid is thin as a rail, pale as a ghost and
         slightly effeminate. He looks miserable. Not just by this
         detention, but from life in general.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Are these detention sessions often
          unchaperoned?
                        
                         BULLIED KID
          I don't think we pose a flight
          risk.
                        
                         OLIVE
          I see.
                        
         Olive laughs to herself.
                        
                         BULLIED KID
          What?
                        
                         OLIVE
          I was just thinking it's kind of
          funny. We haven't really talked
          since that closet incident back in
          eighth grade.
                        
                         BULLIED KID
          I was afraid you were going to
          bring that up.
                        
                         OLIVE
          So, how have you been, Brandon?
                        
                         BRANDON
                         (DRYLY)
          I have been fantastic.
                         (MORE)
          34.
                        
                         BRANDON (CONT'D)
          Really, really amazing. Don't know
          if you heard, but according to my
          locker, I'm a `power bottom.'
                        
                         OLIVE
          Yikes.
                        
                         BRANDON
          Yeah, only two days after the
          custodians had finally gotten
          around to scrubbing `turd burglar'
          off. Which, if you think about it,
          really contradicts the previous
          label.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Maybe your vandal is marvelling at
          your versatility?
                        
         Brandon shoots her a `that's not funny' look.
                        
                         BRANDON
          But, of course, I'm in detention.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Why?
                        
                         BRANDON
          Because Gibbons is a homophobe.
          (Beat.)
          And I called him a facist.
                        
                         OLIVE
          So, the rumors are true, huh?
                        
                         BRANDON
                         (INCREDULOUS)
          Have you ever met me?
                        
                         OLIVE
          No. I meant about Gibbons being a
          facist.
                        
         He laughs.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          I kind of guessed it that night
          with the whole kissing thing. The
          way you ran away. I remember
          thinking to myself, `this isn't the
          first time this kid's going to go
          bursting out of the closet.'
          35.
                        
                        
                         BRANDON
          Gold star for you, Nancy Drew.
                        
         There's a brief silence between them.
                        
                         OLIVE
          You know, I read this article that
          said with this whole EMO movement,
          it looks like - that in a few years
          - the gay kids are going to be the
          most popular ones in school.
                        
                         BRANDON
          Oh good. I'll come back when I'm
          twenty seven for my redo.
                        
         Ignoring his cynicism --
                        
                         OLIVE
          Can you imagine the dance squad
          full of shirtless guys in tight
          pants rocking out to Britney, while
          the football players sit on the
          sidelines wishing they were that
          cool?
                        
                         BRANDON
          That'll be the day.
          (Beat.)
          Judging from the new look you're
          sporting, I'm not the only one in a
          transformative stage. `Sup with
          the whore couture?
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (PROUDLY)
          Haven't you heard? I'm the new
          school slut!
                        
                         BRANDON
          As a matter of fact I did hear
          that. I heard you banged a guy
          twice your age.
                        
                         OLIVE
          No way. He's a freshman in
          college.
                        
                         BRANDON
          Also heard he gave you crabs.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Ewwww. People suck.
          36.
                        
                        
                         BRANDON
         Tell me about it.
                        
                         OLIVE
         He's not real. The guy I slept
         with. I made him up.
                        
                         BRANDON
         So, you started the rumor?
                        
                         OLIVE
         Indirectly? Sort of. Well, not
         really. No. No, I didn't.
                        
                         BRANDON
         But you're perpetuating it. That's
         fucked up.
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (OFFENDED)
         Excuse me?
                        
                         BRANDON
         It's true. There's only one thing
         worse than these tabloid-chasing
         celebutantes with their vapid minds
         and their immoral souls and that's
         the people who want to be like
         them.
                        
                         OLIVE
         Did I say I wanted to be like them?
                        
                         BRANDON
         No, you just want everyone else to
         think you are.
                        
                         OLIVE
         Why does it matter if it's not who
         I really am? No offense, Brando,
         but maybe you could learn something
         from me.
                        
                         BRANDON
         You're saying I should pretend to
         be straight, so people will like
         me? What a novel idea. You should
         do seminars. Oh, wait a minute, I
         forgot... In high school,
         EVERYBODY PRETENDS TO BE SOMETHING
         THEY'RE NOT!
          37.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE
          Calm down, Adolph. There's a vein
          popping out of your neck. I'm
          simply suggesting that maybe these
          kids we call peers have got the
          right idea. Maybe Bridget
          Schumacher isn't as hippy-dippy as
          she pretends to be. Maybe that's
          just the label she's put on herself
          to avoid having to bathe as often
          as society deems necessary. Or
          take Marianne Bryant. It's
          convenient for her to act like a
          stuck-up Jesus-freak.
          (Thinking about this)
          No. I'm wrong. I think she's
          actually just a stuck-up Jesus-
          freak. But do you think she cares
          that that's the way she's
          perceived? No. Maybe she was just
          sick of being just another
          nameless, faceless entity in a
          place and a time that reveres
          people for extremity?
                        
         Brandon realizes why she's chosen this path and feels for
         her.
                        
                         BRANDON
          There are some of us, though, that
          want to just blend in to the crowd.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Then maybe you need to go to that
          extreme. Or make the steadfast
          decision not to care. Even better
          if you can manage to do both.
          (Beat.)
          I've discovered an infallible
          remedy for teen angst: apathy.
                        
                         BRANDON
          I can't decide if you're a genius
          or a lunatic.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Don't they sort of go hand-in-hand?
                        
         She smiles sinisterly at him.
                        
                         BRANDON
          Funny. I always thought teen angst
          and apathy went hand in hand.
          38.
                        
                        
         There is an electricity in the air and it seems as if at any
         moment, they might fling off their clothes and screw right
         there.
                        
                         OLIVE
          How am I doing?
                        
                         BRANDON
          What? Pretending to be a whore?
          For a virgin, I'm impressed. How
          about me? Could I pass as
          straight?
                        
                         OLIVE
          Not bad. For a fag.
                        
                         BRANDON
          I prefer the term `turd burglar.'
                        
         They both break character and return to being themselves.
                        
                         OLIVE
          If we really wanted to shock the
          world, we'd get up and leave
          detention.
                        
                         BRANDON
          But you know that we would never do
          that.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Isn't going to stop me from telling
          everybody we did.
                        
         Brandon thinks hard about everything that's just been said.
         His brain is going a-mile-a-minute. In that noggin, an idea
         has been planted.
                        
         Olive, not oblivious to this, returns to her novel.
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
                        
         Olive lounges on her bed, flipping through a magazine and
         talking to Rhiannon on the phone.
                        
          RHIANNON (O.S.)
          Brandy Carter was telling Vanessa
          Hodges that you lost your virginity
          to three guys in a jacuzzi.
          39.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE
          Well, I guess that's better than me
          getting crabs from a guy twice my
          age.
                        
          RHIANNON (O.S.)
          Ewww. Who said that?
                        
                         OLIVE
          You know that Brandon kid?
                        
          RHIANNON (O.S.)
          From your seedy pre-pubescent
          closet romp?
                        
                         OLIVE
          The one and only. It's what
          somebody told him.
                        
          RHIANNON (O.S.)
          Nobody talks to him.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Isn't that sad? He's actually
          quite the conversationalist.
                        
          RHIANNON (O.S.)
          He's gay.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Since when are straight guys under
          the age of eighteen able to
          converse?
                        
         A call beeps in on the other line.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          Shit. Hold on.
                        
         She clicks over.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          Hello?
                        
          BRANDON (O.S.)
          Olive?
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (SINGSONG)
          Unfortunately so.
                        
                         BRANDON
          It's Brandon.
          40.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE
          Speak of the devil...
                        
          BRANDON (O.S.)
          Hey, can I come over? I wanted to
          talk to you about something.
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (INTRIGUED)
          Okay. Yeah. Sure.
                        
          BRANDON (O.S.)
          Okay. See you soon.
                        
         Olive clicks over to Rhiannon.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Dude, that was Brandon. He wants
          to talk to me about something.
                        
          RHIANNON (O.S.)
          Probably wants to borrow an outfit.
                        
                         OLIVE
          That's so mean.
                        
          RHIANNON (O.S.)
          Any word from George?
                        
                         OLIVE
          Rhi, I told you. It was a one
          night stand. Which is now a DONE
          night stand.
                        
          RHIANNON (O.S.)
          You're being awfully cavalier about
          this. I mean, he popped your
          cherry. Aren't you supposed to be
          eternally in love with him and
          shit?
                        
                         OLIVE
          If I was a character on a CW show,
          then, absolutely, I'd be blubbering
          all over my Teen Vogue. Hey, we
          should start a rumor that I'm
          having a pregnancy scare!
                        
         Olive is stoked by her idea.
          41.
                        
                        
         INT. FOYER - PENDERGHAST HOME - NIGHT
                        
         Rosemary opens the door to see Brandon. She has no idea who
         he is.
                        
                         BRANDON
          Hi. Is there an Olive here?
                        
                         ROSEMARY
                         (FEIGNING CONFUSION)
          There's a whole jar of them in the
          fridge.
                        
                         BRANDON
          Sorry, I must have gotten the
          address wrong.
                        
                         ROSEMARY
          Just kidding! Come on in.
                        
         Brandon walks in and Rosemary shouts --
                        
                         ROSEMARY (CONT'D)
          Olive, sweetie, there's a young man
          here to see you. He said something
          about asking for your hand in
          marriage.
                        
         Brandon's eyes bulge and Olive descends the staircase.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Oh happy day, Mama! I thought I was
          going to have to spend my dowry on
          booze and pills to numb the
          loneliness.
                        
         Olive grabs Brandon by the hand and leads him upstairs to --
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
                        
         She closes the door behind them.
                        
                         OLIVE
          My mom's an acquired taste. I know
          this because I've only just
          recently begun to appreciate her
          myself.
                        
         She gestures for him to sit down.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          Welcome to my boudoir! This is
          where the magic happens.
          42.
                        
                        
                         BRANDON
                         (BLURTING OUT)
          Do you wanna go out with me?
                        
         She looks at him, strangely.
                        
                         BRANDON (CONT'D)
          I mean, like -- Do you want to be
          my girlfriend?
                        
                         OLIVE
          Brandon, just a few hours ago, you
          told me you were Kinsey Six gay.
                        
                         BRANDON
          True. But you said I should
          pretend to be straight.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Well, I didn't mean with me.
          You're a sweet guy and all, but
          you're not really my type.
                        
                         BRANDON
          You're not really my type either.
                        
                         OLIVE
          I should say not.
                        
                         BRANDON
          Okay. Well, do you wanna have sex
          with me?
                        
                         OLIVE
          You're serious.
                        
         He nervously nods.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          Oh my God, dude. You totally
          missed my point. All I was saying
          was that --
                        
                         BRANDON
          No, I know what you were saying. I
          should play it straight until I get
          out of this hell and then I can be
          whoever I want to be. No, I got
          that.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Brandon, I didn't REALLY have sex
          with a college guy. I just told
          people I did.
                         (MORE)
          43.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
                         (CONSIDERS THIS)
          Well, actually, I just told one
          person and - well - you know how
          these things work.
                        
                         BRANDON
          So, you're saying I shouldn't
          really have sex. I should just say
          I had sex with someone. A girl.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Now, you're cooking with gas.
                        
         It's his turn to smile slyly at her. She sees where he's
         going with this and instantly gets defensive.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          Oh no. Oh no no no no no no no no.
          No. Really. No. No way. No.
          No.
                        
                         BRANDON
          Think about it. We could help each
          other out. You want to maintain
          this floozy facade. I want to not
          get my face pummelled weekly.
                        
                         OLIVE
          You are on crack.
                        
                         BRANDON
          All it would take is one good
          imaginary fuck and you'd be saving
          the bone structure of my face.
          Think of how happy my parents would
          be!
                        
                         OLIVE
          This is not the answer. Why don't
          you just do what I did and make
          someone up?
                        
                         BRANDON
          Who would believe me?
                         (GROWING INCREASINGLY
                         DESPERATE)
          Listen, Olive, I don't want to do
          this. I want to live in that not-
          too-distant EMO world, but I still
          have another year of this bullshit
          place and I can't do it. I just
          can't do it.
          (Beat.)
                         (MORE)
          44.
                        
                         BRANDON (CONT'D)
          I'll pay you. I can pay you
          whatever you want.
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (GENTLY)
          I just don't think it would work.
                        
                         BRANDON
          Whores aren't discerning, Olive.
          And just think - you'll OFFICIALLY
          be a hooker with a heart of gold!
                        
                         OLIVE
          I don't want your money.
                        
                         BRANDON
          I insist.
                        
                         OLIVE
          So, if I say yes, you're going to
          tell a couple of people at school
          and I just have to go with it? I
          really don't think it will work.
                        
                         BRANDON
          (His voice cracking with
                         EMOTION)
          I can make it work. I promise.
                        
         She sees tears forming in his eyes.
                        
         She walks away from him and is silent for a long few moments.
                        
                         OLIVE
          I don't do anything half-assed.
          (Spinning around to face
                         HIM)
          It'll have to be a public event.
          Melanie Bostic is having a party
          tomorrow night. All of your
          tormentors will be there. You and
          I are going together. You have to
          do everything I say AND you have to
          tell people that I was sensational.
                        
         Brandon wipes his tears away and is the happiest gay you've
         ever seen. He throws his arms around her and won't let go.
                        
                         BRANDON
          I can't believe you're doing this.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Afterwards, it's up to you. You're
          committing to something.
                         (MORE)
          45.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          Just make sure you're ready to live
          with the consequences.
                        
         It seems as if that last statement was more for herself than
         it was for him.
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                        
         Into the webcam --
                        
                         OLIVE
          I'm sure you all remember the
          party...
                        
                        
         INT. BOSTIC HOUSE - NIGHT
                        
         A TEEN PARTY rages. DRUNK KIDS abound.
                        
         Olive, looking like a million-fuckin'-bucks, prances into the
         party with Brandon, who's looking pretty snazzy himself.
         They appear drunk and are falling all over each other.
                        
         People stare in complete amazement at a.) Their appearance
         and b.) That they're even together in the first place.
                        
         You'd never guess that this was anything less than an A-LIST
         TEEN COUPLE, ripped from the pages of Teen People.
                        
         Olive falls against Brandon laughing. He hoists her up, as
         their host, MELANIE BOSTIC (17), a fairly pretty girl,
         approaches.
                        
                         MELANIE
          Hey Olive!
                         (WEIRDED OUT)
          Hi Brandon.
                        
                         OLIVE
          OhmiGod, Melly. I hope you don't
          mind, but we had a few pre-cocktail
          party cocktails...
                         (DISORIENTED)
          Party. Cocktails.
                        
                         MELANIE
          Well, glad you could make it.
                        
                         OLIVE
          (Whispering and slurring
          in her ear)
          Soooo, here's the thing.
                         (MORE)
          46.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          Brandon was in the middle of
          telling me this funny thing. Is
          there a quiet room we can go to
          where he can finish telling me --
                         (HICCUP)
          -- About his thing? That's funny?
                        
         She stares glassy-eyed at Melanie. Brandon just smiles.
                        
                         MELANIE
          Sure. You can use the guest room.
          Down the hall.
                        
                         OLIVE
          I love you. I love you so much.
          You are -- Just, yeah.
                        
         She gives her a drunken punch on the shoulder.
                        
         She spins around to the entire party, who is looking at them
         with complete interest.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          (Loudly; to all)
          Hey everybody!
                        
         They raise a glass to them and Brandon and Olive stumble down
         the hallway, laughing.
                        
                         MELANIE
          (Shocked; Mouthing to a
                         GUEST)
          What the fuck?!
                        
         The bully who emerged from Gibbons's office with Brandon,
         goes up to Melanie.
                        
                         BULLY
          Was that Olive with Brandon?
                        
                         MELANIE
          I know! Right?
                        
         They, with a big group, race down the hall where Brandon and
         Olive have just retreated to.
                        
                        
         INT. GUEST ROOM - NIGHT
                        
         Olive locks the door and drops the drunk act. She's
         completely sober and so is Brandon.
          47.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (WHISPERING)
          Draw the shades.
                        
         Brandon runs over and pulls the blinds down. They giggle,
         conspiratorially.
                        
         Olive plops down on the bed and stretches out. Brandon lays
         beside her. She moans for the benefit of the audience she
         knows has assembled outside. She moans again and it's very
         convincing.
                        
         She leans over and whispers in his ear --
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          Grunt. Make it really convincing.
          And manly.
                        
         He does so. She extends her palm, impressed. He slaps it
         with his.
                        
                        
         INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Sure enough, it seems as if most of the party is listening at
         the door - falling all over each other to hear. Nearest to
         the door is the bully, who is pleasantly surprised by the
         noise inside.
                        
                        
         INT. GUEST ROOM - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Olive reaches into her handbag and pulls out her copy of `The
         Scarlet Letter' and reads it while she makes sex noises.
         Brandon laughs at this and Olive smacks him with it,
         prompting him to stop. She puts her finger over her lips,
         giving him the `Shhhh' sign.
                        
         She continues to read as she thrusts her hips, making the bed
         squeak ever so slightly.
                        
                         BRANDON
                         (WHISPERING)
          How long do we have to do this?
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (WHISPERING)
          Depends. Do you wanna be a normal
          adolescent boy or do you wanna be a
          stud?
                        
         He moans in his deepest voice. She continues to read,
         crescendoing her moaning like a pro.
          48.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          Oh God, Brandon. Don't stop.
          Don't stop. Don't stop, don't
          stop, don't stop.
                        
         She takes the top of the headboard and lightly taps it
         against the wall, over and over.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
                         (WHISPERING)
          Now that I think about it, we
          probably don't want to do this for
          too long. It'll give the
          impression that you're having
          difficulty finishing. That's not
          the desired effect.
                        
                         BRANDON
                         (WHISPERING)
          Are you sure you're a virgin?
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (WHISPERING STERNLY)
          Of course I am!
                         (LOUDLY )
          Oh, fuck me! Fuck me! Don't stop
          fucking me!
                        
         Brandon suppresses a laugh.
                        
                        
         INT. GUEST ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
                        
         Olive is disheveling herself. Brandon musses up his hair.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Hold on.
                        
         She unbuttons Brandon's shirt and rebuttons it incorrectly.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          Go forth, my son. You're a man
          now.
                        
                         BRANDON
          Thanks Olive.
                        
         He kisses her on the cheek and she smiles.
                        
                        
         INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         The whole crowd, leaning against the wall, quickly disperses
         when the door opens.
          49.
                        
                        
         The bully immediately hands Brandon a beer and throws his arm
         around him, leading him drunkenly down the hallway, with a
         crew of guys after the dirty details.
                        
         Olive looks at this and smiles, satisfied. Then she realizes
         that, though the guys have gone, there are a whole slew of
         girls looking at her completely differently. They avoid her
         eye contact, as one would ward off Medusa.
                        
         Olive finds Melanie pretending not to be interested in her.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Is there a -- ?
                        
                         MELANIE
          Back entrance is through the
          kitchen.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Thanks.
                        
         She begins her walk of shame down the corridor into the --
                        
                        
         INT. KITCHEN
                        
         -- Where she runs smack-dab into the well-developed chest of
         MEERKAT TODD.
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
                         (POLITELY)
          Sorry.
                        
         They make eye contact. Olive is a sick shade of regret.
                        
          MEERKAT TODD (CONT'D)
          Oh, hey Olive.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Hi Todd.
                        
         Obviously oblivious to the demonstration that just occurred --
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          How's it going?
                        
                         OLIVE
                         I'M --
          (She doesn't know how she
                         IS)
          I'm here.
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          Can I get you a beer?
          50.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE
          That rhymed.
                        
         Olive catches the reflection behind her of a group of guys
         leaning against the counter, signalling `NO, DON'T DO IT' to
         him behind her back.
                        
         She spins around and they instantly pretend to not be paying
         attention. She glares at them.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          (Ashamed of herself)
          I should probably go.
                        
         She rushes off.
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                        
         Into the webcam --
                        
                         OLIVE
          It was truly my Cindy Mancini
          moment.
                         (MELODRAMATICALLY
                         REENACTING)
          `You! Even Bobby thinks we went
          out. Great, huh? Ha! All of you
          thought we were a couple. What a
          joke!... Ronald Miller paid me
          1,000 bucks to pretend I liked him.
          What a deal, huh? $1,000 to go out
          with him for a month. This guy. Oh,
          God. He bought me. And he bought
          all of you. He was sick and tired
          of being a nobody. Yeah, and he
          said that all of you guys would
          worship him if we went out. And I
          didn't believe that. I was, like,
          no way! And he was right! No, leave
          me alone. He was right. Our little
          plan worked, didn't it, Ronald? The
          dance. That stupid dance! What a
          bunch of followers you guys are. I
          mean, at least I got... At least I
          got paid.'
          (Sincerely; as herself)
          `Can't Buy Me Love' is one of the
          best movies ever made. Hands down.
          You guys should totally watch it if
          you haven't already. Or even if
          you have. Seriously fine
          filmmaking.
          51.
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - DAY
                        
         Olive lays on her bed watching the scene from `Can't Buy Me
         Love' that she just performed. She eats a candy bar and
         wallows in her self-pity.
                        
                         OLIVE
          (To the television)
          Oh, Cindy Mancini. It could have
          been a lot worse. Trust me.
                        
         Her mom comes in with a nicely-wrapped gift.
                        
                         ROSEMARY
          That kid from the other night just
          dropped this off for you.
                        
         Indicating an empty space on the floor --
                        
                         OLIVE
          Put it on the pile of gifts from my
          other suitors.
                        
                         ROSEMARY
          He seems like a nice boy... Gay...
                        
                         OLIVE
          A dyed-in-the-wool homosexual that
          boy is.
                        
         Rosemary puts the gift on the floor.
                        
                         ROSEMARY
          I dated a homosexual in high
          school.
                        
                         OLIVE
          We're not dating, Mom.
                        
                         ROSEMARY
          I just wanted to tell you that if
          you want to date a gay boy, it
          might be hard on your father and I,
          at first. But we love you no
          matter what the sexual orientation
          of your opposite-sex partner.
                        
         Rosemary leaves, chuckling at her own joke.
                        
         Too curious, Olive opens the gift. She withdraws a PHOTO of
         the BULLY holding BRANDON'S LEGS while he does a KEG STAND.
         She smiles, pleasantly.
                        
         She pulls out a PINK VIBRATOR and looks at it quizically.
          52.
                        
                        
         There's an envelope inside. She opens it and pulls out a
         $200 Gift Card to TARGET.
                        
          OLIVE (V.O.)
          Cindy Mancini gets $1,000. I get a
          vibrator and a $200 Gift Card to
          Target.
                        
         There's a note, which she reads aloud to herself.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          Dear Olive, The dildo is just in
          case you don't shop at Target.
          Then you can fuck yourself.
                        
         Olive breaks out into riotous laughter. She's genuinely
         touched by this gift.
                        
         The phone rings. Thinking it's Brandon, Olive snatches it
         up.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
                         (EXCITEDLY)
          Your package was perfection!
                        
          RHIANNON (O.S.)
          So, it's TRUE!
                        
                         OLIVE
          Rhi?
                        
          RHIANNON (O.S.)
          Well, it's not last night's
          conquest!
                        
                         OLIVE
          You know, I always think it's so
          ridiculous on TV, when someone
          picks up the phone and magically
          seems to know who's going to be on
          the other end. I usually preface a
          conversation with `hello' to avoid
          such banalities. The one time I
          decide to step outside this
          convention... How are you?
                        
                        
         INT. MALL - DAY
                        
         Rhiannon, clutching an enormous Diet Coke, plods through the
         mall with an intensity reserved for girls who just found out
         their best friend had her sophomore sexual exploit and didn't
         bother to tell them.
          53.
                        
                        
                         RHIANNON
          I have many questions, obviously.
                        
                        
         WE INTERCUT BETWEEN THE TWO LOCATIONS:
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (PLAYFULLY)
          Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa
          Claus. No, in fact, I do NOT know
          the way to San Jose. And - little
          known fact - contrary to popular
          belief, panama hats are not from
          Panama at all! They're from
          Ecuador! Who knew?
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Now is not the time to be cute.
                        
                         OLIVE
          You're putting me in a precarious
          position, because --
          (With her best Jackie-O
                         VOICE)
          -- `according to last month's
          Cosmopolitan Magazine, we should
          always look cute. Even when we're
          doing mundane activities such as
          choosing vegetables from the
          produce section of our local
          grocery store.'
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Olive, stop it. This is serious.
          Did you really bang Brandon last
          night at Melanie Dipshit's party?
                        
         Olive sighs as she slumps into her pillows.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Is that what people are saying
          happened?
                        
                         RHIANNON
          That's what EVERYONE is saying.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Then I guess it's true.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Does this mean you guys are dating?
                        
                         OLIVE
          God no.
          54.
                        
                        
         Rhiannon screams in frustration, attracting the attention of
         passing shoppers.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Just because you lost your
          virginity doesn't mean you can go
          around screwing everybody!
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (OFF-PUT)
          Uh, thanks Mom. Good talk.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          You're getting a reputation.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Y'know, you're really coming off as
          a little pious right now and you're
          kind of pissing me off.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Please forgive my rectitude, but I
          think that a best friend's duty is
          to let her know that everyone - and
          I do mean everyone - is calling her
          a cum dumpster.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Well, do YOU think I'm a cum
          dumpster?
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Look, baby, I call a spade a spade.
                        
         Entering the red zone --
                        
                         OLIVE
          First off, that's racist.
          Secondly, fuck you! How dare you?
          I was Laura Ingalls to your Lady
          Chatterly and, now all of a sudden,
          YOU feel the need to warn ME that
          I'M making a fool of myself? There
          are a lot of children who will
          never again experience Family Pizza
          Night because of you. So, why
          don't you jump off your high horse
          and splash around in the gutter
          where you belong.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          I didn't want to believe it, but I
          guess it's true. You're a
          fucktart.
          55.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE
          And you're a jealous virgin.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Oh yeah. I totally want to lose my
          virginity to one of --
          (As if it was a disease)
          -- your brother's friends and then
          be the first for a fairy, while
          everyone listens outside! What is
          wrong with you? Does sex mean
          anything to you?
                        
                         OLIVE
          Yes! It's a period of time, how
          ever short, that I don't have to
          talk to you!
                        
         She slams the phone down into the cradle and seethes.
                        
         Berlin's `SEX (I'm A...)' plays loudly as...
                        
         She goes into her closet and starts, wildly, pulling down
         clothes. She throws them into a big pile in the middle of
         her floor.
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                        
         Into her webcam --
                        
                         OLIVE
          Rhiannon Abernathy only wishes that
          somebody wanted to pretend to sleep
          with her!
                        
                         BACK TO:
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Olive - visibly upset - is cutting something, meticulously,
         out of RED FABRIC. In fact, she has yards of red fabric
         draped across her lap.
                        
         When she finishes the shape, she tosses it behind her and
         begins another one.
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - LATER
                        
         Olive sews these red scraps to her clothes. When she
         finishes one piece, as before, she tosses it behind her and
         grabs another item from the crumpled wardrobe on her floor.
          56.
                        
                        
         Time flies and we see the clothing pile rapidly decreasing,
         until there are none left.
                        
         The song morphs into -- Tommy James and the Shondell's
         `CRIMSON & CLOVER' as we fade into --
                        
                        
         INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
                        
         Clad in sunglasses, fuck-me-boots and looking like a bona
         fide porn star, Olive struts down the halls of her school.
         Sewn across her larger and pushed up breasts is
                        
         A FIERY RED `A'
                        
         (NOTE: For the rest of the film, every piece of Olive's
         clothing will be emblazoned with a RED A.)
                        
         Erections are popping up all along the halls, as well as
         looks of total disbelief from the girls.
                        
         She works it like a Debbie Who Just Did Dallas, D�sseldorf,
         Des Moines, Daytona, Detroit and Darfur.
                        
         Up ahead, Rhiannon is yakking with a semi-attractive guy
         named ANSON (17). She catches sight of Olive and her jaw
         drops.
                        
         Olive sidles up to Anson, much to Rhiannon's chagrin.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Hey, Anson.
                        
                         ANSON
                         (NERVOUS)
          Hi.
                        
                         OLIVE
          (Breathy and aping Marilyn
                         MONROE)
          I just realized the funniest thing.
          My name is an anagram for `I
          love...'
                        
                         ANSON
                         (STUTTERING)
          What's an anagram?
                        
                         OLIVE
          Look it up, big boy.
                        
         She rubs her knee, seductively, along his inner thigh, turns
         and licks her lips at a repulsed Rhiannon and continues on
         her way.
          57.
                        
                        
         INT. CAFETERIA - LUNCH LINE - LATER
                        
         Anything sexually suggestive you can do with school cafeteria
         food, Olive does as she makes her way through the lunch line,
         as guys ogle her.
                        
         Marianne, also present in the line, watches her in
         repugnance.
                        
                        
         INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY
                        
         Olive emerges from the GIRLS' LOCKER ROOM, dressed for gym
         class. A TERRIFIED FAT KID named EVAN nervously approaches
         her.
                        
                         EVAN
          Hey Olive.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Hi Evan.
                        
                         EVAN
          Can I talk to you for a second?
                        
         He gestures for her to follow him underneath the bleachers.
         She reluctantly does so.
                        
                         EVAN (CONT'D)
                         (WHISPERING)
          Don't get mad, but Brandon told me
          what you did for him.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Well, rest assured, it was equally
          as thrilling for me.
                        
                         EVAN
          No, he told me the truth.
                        
         She's pissed. She silently seethes.
                        
                         EVAN (CONT'D)
          And I was just hoping that maybe
          you could do the same for me?
                        
                         OLIVE
          (Through clenched teeth)
          Walk away, Evan.
                        
         Evan starts to talk, but she raises her hand to silence him.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          RUN away, Evan.
          58.
                        
                        
                         EVAN
          I can pay you, too.
                        
                         OLIVE
          I'm about six seconds away from
          slapping you so hard that your
          unborn grandchildren will feel it.
                        
                         EVAN
          (Excited at the prospect)
          Can you do it in front of everyone?
                        
         Olive turns and starts to leave. Evan summons up his courage
         and meekly states to her back.
                        
                         EVAN (CONT'D)
          I don't need your permission, you
          know.
                        
         She turns around and gives him a look of death. He can't
         look at her.
                        
                         EVAN (CONT'D)
          I mean, at the rate you're going,
          I'm just saying I don't think
          anyone would not believe it.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Are you threatening me?
                        
                         EVAN
          I'll give you $500.
                        
                         OLIVE
          You're repugnant.
                        
                         EVAN
          (Indicating his body)
          That's the problem.
                        
         And once again Olive feels too sorry for him to say no.
                        
                         OLIVE
          I want five hundred dollars in gift
          certificate form deposited in my
          locker before noon tomorrow.
          Preferably `The Gap,' but I'll also
          take Amazon.com. We did NOT have
          sex. I was piss-ass drunk and I
          let you fondle my chest and it was
          a glorious moment for you,
          unmatched by anything you've
          heretofore experienced, including
          cake. Got it?
          59.
                        
                        
                         EVAN
          Five hundred bucks for just feeling
          you up? Doesn't that seem a little
          steep to you? Can you throw in
                         SOME
          (Mispronouncing it; as if
          it rhymed with `cottage')
          frottage?
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (CORRECTING HIM)
          It's fraw-TAHZH, dumbass.
                         (BUCKLING)
          Fine. But it was so good, you
          lasted only twelve seconds and I
          better not find out that little
          pecker of yours EVER came out of
          your pants. Take it or leave it.
                        
                         EVAN
          Little pecker? Nuh-uh. For five
          hundred dollars, it was ungodly
          huge. You even commented on the
          unusual girth for a guy my age.
                        
                         OLIVE
          I was too drunk to remember.
                        
                         EVAN
          Three minutes.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Two.
                        
         He extends his hand.
                        
                         EVAN
          Deal.
                        
         She, repulsed by it, shakes his hand. Evan's ecstatic.
                        
                         OLIVE
          The sad thing is, Evan, if you had
          been a gentleman and asked me out
          on a date, I probably would have
          said yes.
                        
                         EVAN
          Really? Do you want to go on a
          date?
                        
         With zero vitriol --
          60.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE
          Not now, I don't.
                        
         Sad for him, she walks away.
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                        
         Into the webcam --
                        
                         OLIVE
          Evan, if you're watching this -
          shame on you. I hope you never
          treat another girl the way you
          treated me or you will die alone,
          wishing it was because you're fat.
          And since we're playing the shame
          game... While I appreciate the
          sentiment, Lewis, a pretend hand
          job should have warranted a little
          more than a hundred dollars worth
          of AMC Movie Passes. They had an
          expiration date AND were only able
          to be used for movies that had been
          running for two weeks. But even
          that's better than Tyler Jennings,
          who gave me a ten percent off
          coupon to Bath and Body Works.
          Seriously. A fucking coupon. Is
          that how good my imaginary blow job
          was to you? Huh? Is chivalry
          dead? I want John Cusack holding a
          boombox outside my window. I want
          Richard Gere climbing up my fire
          escape with the limo waiting
          downstairs. I want to ride off on
          a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey.
          Although, I'm ashamed to admit I'd
          prefer him to look like he looks
          now. What woman wouldn't? But no.
          I get to save two fifty on a bottle
          of Juniper Breeze Hand Lotion.
          Maybe chivalry isn't dead, but it's
          in a coma and the prognosis isn't
          good.
          (Beat.)
          So, if you're still with me - and
          I'm guessing that most of you are -
          I now present to you Part Four: How
          I, Olive Penderghast, Went From
          Assumed Trollop To an Actual Home-
          wrecker.
          61.
                        
                        
         INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
                        
         Mr. Griffin is alone grading papers. Olive pokes her head
         in.
                        
                         OLIVE
          You wanted to see me?
                        
          MR. GRIFFIN
          Yeah, Olive. Come cop a squat.
                        
         She takes a seat opposite his desk. He points to the RED "A"
         on her chest.
                        
          MR. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
          What are you doing?
                        
                         OLIVE
          Accessorizing?
                        
          MR. GRIFFIN
          Olive, Olive, Olive. Do you think
          that maybe you're reading a little
          too much into this assignment?
                        
                         OLIVE
          Well, I'm really hoping to get an
          A.
          (She points to her chest)
          Get it? Get it?
                        
          MR. GRIFFIN
          I'm hearing things.
                        
         She takes a deep breath.
                        
                         OLIVE
          The rumors are true. I am, in
          fact, considering becoming an
          existentialist.
                        
          MR. GRIFFIN
          You know what I'm talking about.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Geez, since when did teachers
          become privy to idle, adolescent
          gossip?
                        
          MR. GRIFFIN
          I guess it wouldn't matter so much
          if I didn't like you. You're a
          great girl and I happen to think
          that all of
                         (MORE)
          62.
                        
          MR. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
          (Indicating her outfit)
          `this' is just an act. I'm just
          curious why you're doing it.
                        
         Olive drops her defenses and gets real.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Have you ever decided just to play
          along? Because it's maybe easier
          than fighting tooth-and-nail to
          defend it?
                        
          MR. GRIFFIN
          I just don't want to see this
          (He searches for the word)
          damage you.
                        
                         OLIVE
          You know, I think you should give
          me extra credit for going the extra
          mile. I'm really attempting to
          understand this puritanical
          ostracism.
                        
         Mr. Griffin smiles at her.
                        
          MR. GRIFFIN
          Hey, I'm really sorry I had to send
          you to the Principal. If you tell
          anybody, I'll deny it, but I really
          wanted to cheer with the rest of
          the class.
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (SMILING; INNOCENTLY)
          You know I won't tell.
                        
         She gets up and leaves, but passes in the doorway, a
         BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          (To the woman)
          Hey Mrs. Griffin.
                        
         Pretending to know who she is --
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
          Hi! How are you?
                        
                         OLIVE
          (Pointing to the `A')
          A is for Awesome.
                        
         Olive disappears into the empty halls.
          63.
                        
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
          I've never seen that girl before in
          my life.
                        
          MR. GRIFFIN
          That doesn't surprise me.
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
          I'm the guidance counselor. I
          should know all of the students.
          Especially the ones dressed like
          that.
                        
         He kisses her.
                        
          MR. GRIFFIN
          She's just going through a phase.
          (He gets an idea)
          Hey, do you think you could talk to
          her? Maybe you could get her to --
          I dunno -
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
          Sure. Yeah, whatever. Oh wait!
          That's not the girl that everyone's
          talking about, is it?
                        
          MR. GRIFFIN
          `Fraid so.
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
          Oh, this'll be good. That snotty
          office aid has been bitching about
          her incessantly.
                        
          MR. GRIFFIN
          It's all lies. Talk to her. Maybe
          that's all she needs.
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
          What are you making for dinner
          tonight?
                        
          MR. GRIFFIN
          Is it my turn?
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
          Sure is. I'm meeting up with the
          girls at happy hour.
                        
          MR. GRIFFIN
          Don't have too much fun.
          64.
                        
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
          I never do.
                        
         He kisses her.
                        
                        
         INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
                        
         Assembled in a semi-circle, a handful of WELL-DRESSED
         CHRISTIAN KIDS open their meeting of the CROSS YOUR HEART
         CLUB with prayer. Marianne, of course, leads them in this
         ritual. Nina is also present.
                        
                         MARIANNE
          Heavenly Father, watch over us with
          Your all-encompassing love. Keep
          us on the path toward Your
          righteousness and eternal
          salvation.
                        
         They all smile, say `AMEN' and open their eyes.
                        
                         MARIANNE (CONT'D)
          Guys. We have a problem.
                        
                         NINA
          Amen to THAT.
                        
                         MARIANNE
          Olive Penderghast. We need to pray
          for her, but we also need to get
          rid of her. I'm sure, by now,
          you've all heard about what
          happened at Melanie Bostic's party.
                        
                         CHRISTIAN KID #1
          I was there. I heard the whole
          thing.
                        
         Marianne eyes him, suspiciously.
                        
                         MARIANNE
          That's not something you need to
          advertise, Kurt.
                        
                         KURT
                         (SHEEPISHLY)
          Sorry.
                        
                         MARIANNE
          See, herein lies the problem: She's
          doing these tasteless, immoral acts
          in plain view of the entire student
          body.
                         (MORE)
          65.
                        
                         MARIANNE (CONT'D)
          She's in direct opposition to
          everything we're trying to do for
          this school, which is make it a
          wholesome learning environment and
          a place where our children will one
          day flourish the way that we are.
          (Beat.)
          She was sent to the Principal's
          office last week --
                        
                         NINA
                         (INTERRUPTING)
          She called me a really hurtful
          name.
                        
                         MARIANNE
          -- and I tried to witness to her,
          but she's defiant to any sort of
          help.
                        
         She tears up.
                        
                         MARIANNE (CONT'D)
          I don't know what to do, but
          something's got to be done.
                        
         Her boyfriend, MICAH (17) takes her hand and holds it. She
         leans against his shoulder, wiping away tears. Nina, on the
         other side of her, begins rubbing her shoulder,
         sympathetically.
                        
                         MARIANNE (CONT'D)
          Does anybody here think that they
          can talk to her in a way that might
          get her to see that what she's
          doing is wrong?
                        
         She suddenly bursts into sobs. (And these aren't crocodile
         tears. She is flooded with emotion.)
                        
                         MARIANNE (CONT'D)
          I'm sorry. This is so stupid.
                        
                         MICAH
          No, it's not, Marianne.
                        
         She wipes her tears away.
                        
                         MARIANNE
          Jesus tells us to love everyone.
          Even the whores and the
          homosexuals, but it's so hard.
                         (MORE)
          66.
                        
                         MARIANNE (CONT'D)
          It's so hard, because they just
          keep doing `it' over and over
          again.
                        
         She takes Micah and Nina's hands, the rest of the group
         follows suit.
                        
                         MARIANNE (CONT'D)
          Make me a promise. Make GOD a
          promise right here and now that we
          will remain pure and chaste until
          marriage.
          (Looking to Micah)
          Until our love is proven holy in
          His eyes.
                        
                         ALL
          We promise.
                        
                         MARIANNE
          Let's continue to pray for Olive
          Penderghast. That either she sees
          that what she's doing is a sin and
          changes her behavior or that she
          gets the hell out of our school.
                        
         They all squeeze hands and Marianne manages a smile.
                        
                         MARIANNE (CONT'D)
          Awww, I love you guys. God loves
          you guys.
                        
                        
         EXT. PARKING LOT - BARBARA BUSH HIGH - DAY
                        
         Marianne gives Micah a strictly PG-rated kiss against his
         car. They're nauseatingly wholesome.
                        
                        
         INT. FRONT OFFICE - NEXT DAY
                        
         Olive is sitting in the office, dressed just as slutty as the
         day before. A RED "A" sewn onto her top.
                        
         Marianne is behind the desk, sharpening pencils. After each
         one, she observes the point with a scary satisfaction.
                        
         They exchange a few hateful glances at each other.
                        
         Mrs. Griffin pokes her head out of her office.
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
          Hey Olive. Wanna come in?
          67.
                        
                        
         Olive, in no mood for this, drags herself up dramatically and
         follows Mrs. Griffin into --
                        
                        
         INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Mrs. Griffin sits behind her desk and Olive sits opposite
         her.
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
          So, the reason I called you down
          here is just so that we could -
          sort of, y'know - chat about what's
          going on.
          (Beat.)
          There's been some concern from
          faculty members.
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (CORRECTING HER)
          Your husband.
                        
         Mrs. Griffin shifts uncomfortably in her chair. There's
         something a little unnerving about this kid's awareness.
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
          Olive, you're attempting to make a
          statement. We get that. I'm just
          confused as to what exactly it is.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Am I in trouble? I promise the hem
          of my dress isn't higher than my
          fingertips.
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
          You're not in trouble, Olive. I
          just wanted you to know that if
          there was something you maybe
          needed to talk about, that you
          could trust me.
                        
                         OLIVE
          If I open up to you, do you promise
          this stays in confidence?
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
          Yes.
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (CONFESSIONAL)
          I watch `American Idol.' Do NOT
          tell anyone.
          68.
                        
                        
         Mrs. Griffin rolls her eyes.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          I have a reputation to uphold.
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
          Don't you, though?
                        
         Olive assesses this statement from her.
                        
                         OLIVE
          We done? If I can think of any
          angsty things to report, you'll be
          the first to know.
                        
         She winks at her.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          This has been so much fun that I'm
          actually - at this very moment -
          considering meth addiction, just so
          I can come back and we can jaw some
          more.
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
                         (BITINGLY)
          Or you could always get pregnant?
                        
                         OLIVE
          I'm probably closer than either of
          us thinks...
                        
         Mrs. Griffin digs in her purse and pulls out a handful of
         CONDOMS. Feigning excitement --
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          Propho-tastic!
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
          Please don't tell anyone I gave you
          these. The school board is --
                        
                         OLIVE
          Puritanical and oppressive?
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
          Conservative.
                        
         Olive sees that Mrs. Griffin is genuinely concerned.
                        
                         OLIVE
          I don't need those.
          69.
                        
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
                         (STERNLY)
          But you do.
                        
         Olive starts to confess, but then just takes the rubbers and
         puts them in her own purse.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Thank you.
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
          Remember: our little secret. And,
          hey, would you send in the next
          person?
                        
         Mrs. Griffin smiles at Olive as she leaves.
                        
                        
         INT. FRONT OFFICE - BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Marianne is talking to Micah, who seems distressed. He rubs
         his eyes, like he's been crying. Olive is surprised to see
         him there.
                        
                         OLIVE
          You're up, hoss.
                        
                         MARIANNE
          (Concerned; To Micah)
          It's going to be okay.
                        
         She gives him a reassuring smile and he walks into her
         office.
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (TO MARIANNE)
          Let me guess: drugs.
                        
         Marianne gives her a `go away' look.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          I didn't know Christians believed
          in guidance counsellors.
          (Beat.)
          Ooo! Ooo! Is your boyfriend
          struggling with his sexuality?
                        
         Marianne begins crying.
                        
                         MARIANNE
          No, you insensitive rhymes-with-
          witch! His parents are going
                         THROUGH A
                         (MORE)
          70.
                        
                         MARIANNE (CONT'D)
                         (WHISPERED)
          divorce!
                        
         She begins sobbing uncontrollably. Olive, not sure what to
         do, goes around the counter and hugs her. Marianne just
         cries on her shoulder.
                        
                         OLIVE
          It's okay, Marianne.
          (Not sure what to say)
          Sometimes our boyfriend's parents
          get divorced. It's just important
          to know that it's not your fault.
                        
                         MARIANNE
          (Through her tears)
          They go to our church! Imagine
          what people will say!
                        
         Olive didn't expect this embrace to last this long.
                        
                         OLIVE
          I have to go now. Are you going to
          be okay?
                        
         Into Olive's shoulder --
                        
                         MARIANNE
          Mrs. Griffin is going to fix
          everything. She's amazing. I know
          that she's going to help Micah
          through this time and everything's
          going to be okay.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Yeah. Everything's going to be
          okay.
                        
         Marianne pulls away and wipes tears from her eyes.
                        
                         MARIANNE
          Why are you being so nice to me?
                        
                         OLIVE
          Isn't that what we're supposed to
          do? Hey, it's your boss's rules.
                        
         This triggers even more wails from Marianne , who grabs Olive
         and squeezes her tightly.
                        
                         MARIANNE
          I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry for
          everything I said.
                         (MORE)
          71.
                        
                         MARIANNE (CONT'D)
          I want to be friends. PLEASE.
          PLEASE be my friend.
                        
         Olive is really confused by this display and is about to say
         something snide, but thinks better of it and replies with a
         very heartfelt --
                        
                         OLIVE
          Absolutely.
                        
         Marianne pulls away again and manages to smile at her,
         warmly.
                        
          OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
          And for a day, we were actually
          really good friends. I was really
          starting to think that things were
          going to turn around.
                        
                        
         INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
                        
         Marianne, angry as hell, stomps through the hall with hatred
         burning in her eyes and coursing through her veins.
                        
          OLIVE (V.O.)
          But then I unwittingly gave her
          boyfriend a venerial disease...
                        
         Marianne stops in front of Olive and slaps her so hard that
         people in the hallways stop, dead in their tracks.
                        
         It's the slap heard `round the school.
                        
                        
         INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - DAY
                        
         Olive bursts into Mrs. Griffin's office. Tear-streaked, Mrs.
         Griffin is packing her things into a cardboard box. It's as
         if her world has just collapsed.
                        
          OLIVE (V.O.)
          ...And caused the break-up of Mr.
          and Mrs. Griffin...
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
                         (SNAPPING)
          What?! What do you want?
                        
         Olive starts to say something, but Mrs. Griffin can't even
         look at her.
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
          Just go!
          72.
                        
                        
         She throws a framed photo of her and Mr. Griffin into the
         box. It shatters. Mrs. Griffin falls apart.
                        
         Olive starts to say something again, but she doesn't know
         what to say, so she sheepishly turns to leave.
                        
                        
         EXT. BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
                        
         The Cross Your Heart Club is assembled outside of the school,
         with a lot of other kids (and some parents), waving signs on
         wooden stakes that say things like:
                        
         EXPEL OLIVE!
                        
                        EXODUS 20:14
                        
         SCHOOLS ARE FOR LEARNING, NOT FOR WHORING
                        
         OLIVE PENDERGHAST IS A WHORE
                        
         Rhi is among them, as riled up as any.
                        
          OLIVE (V.O.)
          So, I guess I shouldn't be too
          shocked that these people wanted my
          diseased, home-wrecking ass out of
          there.
                        
         The scene is a maelstrom of anger and piety.
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                        
         Olive laughs.
                        
                         OLIVE
          The funny thing is: the whole time
          this shit was going down - people
          calling me something I knew wasn't
          true, my best friend included - I
          couldn't help but think how I could
          have come up with better signs. No
          one even bothered to use
          alliteration or, God forbid, irony -
          not even a single acronym - and
          that seems a lot more unforgivable
          than my sins.
          73.
                        
                        
         INT. CATHEDRAL - DAY
                        
         Olive enters a Catholic Church. It's empty, but there are a
         few CANDLES burning. She sees the CONFESSIONAL BOOTH and
         makes a beeline toward it.
                        
         She takes a deep breath and enters.
                        
                        
         INT. CONFESSIONAL BOOTH - CONTINUOUS
                        
         She sits down and begins to talk to the screen.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Forgive me, father, for I have
          sinned. I think that's how you're
          supposed to start these things.
          I'm only going on what I've seen in
          the movies. Then, I think I'm
          supposed to tell you how long it's
          been since my last confession, but
          that's kind of my first confession.
          I'm not Catholic. I really don't
          know what I'm supposed to do,
          except sit here in this booth and
          tell you what I've done wrong.
          Where do I even start?
          (Beat.)
          I've been pretending to be a -- how
          would one phrase it in Catholic
          words? A harlot. It's not like
          I've actually been doing the things
          that people are saying I'm doing,
          but - then again - I'm not denying
          them, so I've just been wondering:
          is that wrong? There's a lot of
          shi -- `crap' going down at my
          school which may or may not be
          indirectly because of this
          masquerade.
          (Beat.)
          I'm lying. I may have caused the
          end of a marriage. I thought, in
          my own perverse way, that I could
          help it. I mean, in my defense, I
          am merely an adolescent. I should
          never have been propositioned in
          the way I was propositioned by an
          adult. But then again, I should
          never have consented. It was just
          that a lot of people had been
          asking me to do things and I
          thought it was okay, because it
          wasn't real.
                         (MORE)
          74.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          It was make-believe and no one was
          getting hurt. But a lot of people
          hate me now. I kind of hate me,
          too.
                        
         There's a long silence. Olive tears up and wipes them away.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          I could be wrong, but aren't you
          supposed to say something or ask me
          questions. Tell me to say `Hail
          Marys'? Hello?
                        
         She looks through the screen. There's no one there.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          Oh, come on!
                        
         She throws the curtain to the booth open and stomps out.
                        
                        
         EXT. CATHEDRAL PARKING LOT - DAY
                        
         Olive, upset at herself, gets into her car and drives off.
         But just a few blocks down the street to --
                        
                        
         EXT. PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         She parks her car and gets out to try a different
         denomination.
                        
                        
         INT. CHURCH OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
                        
         Olive enters to find a SWEET, PORTLY RECEPTIONIST (50's)
         searching through RELIGIOUS CLIP-ART on her COMPUTER,
         attempting to find the perfect image for the church
         newsletter.
                        
         The lady smiles, acknowledging Olive.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Hi. I was wondering if the
          minister was around.
                        
                         RECEPTIONIST
          Pastor McGreevey is on vacation
          this week. But our associate
          pastor is in. Would you like to
          speak to him?
                        
         For her own entertainment, Olive matches the receptionist's
         enthusiasm level.
          75.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE
          Actually, that would be fantastic!
                        
                         RECEPTIONIST
          Can I tell him what this is
          regarding?
                        
                         OLIVE
          Absolutely. I'm looking for a
          church to join and I thought he
          might be able to sell me on this
          fine establishment.
                        
         The receptionist joyfully snatches up the phone.
                        
                         RECEPTIONIST
          Don, there's a young lady here who
          would like to speak with you about
          joining.
                        
         She listens and then hangs up.
                        
                         RECEPTIONIST (CONT'D)
          (Pointing to an office)
          You can go right in.
                        
                         OLIVE
          If everyone here is as friendly as
          you, I think we might be in
          business.
                        
         She winks at the receptionist and enters --
                        
                        
         INT. ASSOCIATE PASTOR'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
                        
         ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON (40's) is a gangly, unattractive -
         borderline creepy - man. He invites Olive to have a seat.
                        
          ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON
          Hello there, young lady. My name
          is Don.
                        
         He extends his hand, which she shakes politely.
                        
          ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON (CONT'D)
          How can I help you today?
                        
                         OLIVE
          I'm new to the area. Looking for a
          church - hopefully something with a
          strong fellowship, a firm foot in
          the soil of...
                         (MORE)
          76.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          divinity and was wondering what
          your church's stance on lying and
          adultery was?
                        
         Don seems taken aback by the question.
                        
          ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON
          Well. It's not a good thing.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Oh, I agree. Wholeheartedly. But
          tell me: assuming there is a hell --
                        
          ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON
          Ma'am, the Presbyterian Church
          recognizes the existence of hell.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Right. Okay. Let's say hell
          exists. Which is worse - lying or
          adultery? Or is lying about
          adultery like a double whammy?
                        
          ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON
          I'm sorry, ma'am, I -- What did you
          say your name was?
                        
         At that moment, Olive looks at his desk and sees a FRAMED
         FAMILY PHOTO. Smiling big are Associate Pastor Don, his
         wife, A WOMAN WITH A SMILE THE SIZE OF MONTANA and his lovely
                        DAUGHTER --
                        
         MARIANNE BRYANT.
                        
         She jumps up from her chair and recoils at the sight of the
         picture and the stupid mistake she made by coming there.
                        
                         OLIVE
          You know what. I think I'm just
          going to go and check out Judaism.
                        
         Backing up toward the door.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          The Jews and I have a lot in
          common. Fashion-wise. And stuff.
          So, thank you for your time.
                        
         She bolts from his office.
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                        
         Olive speaks into her webcam --
          77.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE
          Yes. I had unwittingly sought
          advice from the father of the
          leader of my lynch mob. Who else
          can say that's happened to them?
          (Beat.)
          As much as I want to say I hate
          Marianne. I don't. I get her.
          Well, I get certain things about
          her. She's passionate. Like
          myself. She always thinks she's
          right. Like myself. And, yeah, I
          can kind of understand why she
          slapped me that day. Here's what
          happened...
                        
                        
         INT. BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY
                        
         Marianne, excitedly, runs over to Olive who is just getting
         to school and throws her arms around her.
                        
          OLIVE (V.O.)
          Remember how I said that we were
          BFFs for, like, a day. Well,
          that's true. It was like we were
          sisters all of a sudden.
                        
         Marianne can't seem to break the embrace and Olive just goes
         with it.
                        
                        
         INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
                        
         Olive sits in class. Marianne passes a note back to her.
                        
          OLIVE (V.O.)
          She wrote me a note in first
          period.
                        
         Olive reads it. It says: Hey girlie! You wanna hang out
         after school today? Kisses! Marianne
                        
         Marianne looks back and Olive gives her the thumbs up.
                        
         Across the room, Rhi sees this exchange and sneers.
                        
                        
         INT. CHEMISTRY LAB - LATER
                        
         Marianne is working with her partner, Evan. She turns to
         Olive behind them and makes a gagging signal behind his back
         and laughs silently.
          78.
                        
                        
          OLIVE (V.O.)
          By second period, it was like we
          had private jokes.
                        
         Olive, unaware of how to respond, gives another thumbs up.
                        
                        
         INT. HOME EC CLASSROOM - LATER
                        
         Olive sees Marianne come into class, tear-streaked. She runs
         over to Olive and again throws her arms around her.
                        
          OLIVE (V.O.)
          Tragedy struck in third period.
                        
                         MARIANNE
          Micah's in the hospital. He's in
          so much pain! The nurse didn't
          know what was wrong.
                        
         Olive just holds her new friend, as she had the day before.
                        
                         OLIVE
          He'll be okay.
                        
                         MARIANNE
          (Tears glistening in her
                         EYES)
          Really?
                        
         Olive guides Marianne's head back to her shoulder.
                        
                        
         INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
                        
         Marianne's boyfriend, Micah, writhes in pain on a hospital
         bed, clutching his crotch. His worried MOTHER (40's) is
         beside him, clutching her chest with one hand and trying to
         soothe him with the other.
                        
                         MICAH
          It hurts so bad.
                        
         A DOCTOR enters, with a satisfied smile and a diagnosis.
                        
                         DOCTOR
          Chlamydia.
                        
         Micah and his mother both look up in shock. His mother takes
         both of her hands and begins slapping him, uncontrollably.
          79.
                        
                        
                         MICAH'S MOTHER
          How did you get chlamydia? Who
          have you been sleeping with? Tell
          me! TELL ME!
                        
         Micah, in pain from the burning sensation and his mother's
         hands flying at astonishing speed shouts out:
                        
                         MICAH
          Olive! Olive Penderghast!
                        
         His mother's face fills with satisfaction.
                        
                        
         INT. HOSPITAL LOBBY - MOMENTS LATER
                        
         Micah's mother is on her cell phone.
                        
                         MICAH'S MOTHER
                         (ANGRILY)
          Olive Penderghast.
                        
         She folds her phone up and slips it into her purse.
                        
                        
         INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
                        
         The woman on the other end of the phone -- A WOMAN WITH A
         SMILE THE SIZE OF MONTANA -- who we've seen in the Bryant
         family photo, hangs up. Only this time, her smile is a
         disgusted grimace.
                        
         She picks up the phone and dials a number. She is,
         animatedly, talking to the person on the other end of the
         line, while Olive narrates.
                        
          OLIVE (V.O.)
          Fourth period was when Marianne had
          office duty. Her duties included
          typing, stapling, filing and --
                        
                        
         INT. FRONT OFFICE - DAY
                        
         Marianne is on the phone, listening, with mouth agape.
         Undoubtedly, she's just heard from her mother that her
         boyfriend has chlamydia.
                        
          OLIVE (V.O.)
          -- answering the phones.
                        
                         MARIANNE
          CHLAMYDIA!!
          80.
                        
                        
         She screams so loud that Mrs. Griffin comes out of her
         office, a panicked expression on her face.
                        
                        
         INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Seething, Marianne's mother says into the phone --
                        
          A WOMAN WITH A SMILE THE SIZE OF
                         MONTANA
          Olive Penderghast.
                        
         She hears a slam and then a dial tone.
                        
                        
         INT. FRONT OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Marianne clutches the phone in the cradle with enough force
         that it looks like the receiver will shatter in her hands.
         Mrs. Griffin looks worried.
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
          Are you okay, hon?
                        
         Like a teapot about to start expelling steam, Marianne
         quivers in rage. Finally, at boiling point, she shouts --
                        
                         MARIANNE
                         THAT --
                        
         But her long string of profanities is muffled by the long
         ringing of the school bell. Mrs. Griffin is taken aback by
         Marianne's umbrage.
                        
         As we saw before --
                        
                        
         INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
                        
         Marianne, angry as hell, stomps through the hall with hatred
         burning in her eyes and coursing through her veins.
                        
          OLIVE (V.O.)
          Okay, I exaggerated. We were just
          BFFs for, like, a half-a-day.
                        
         Marianne stops in front of Olive and slaps her so hard that
         people in the hallways stop, dead in their tracks.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          (Clutching her face)
          MutherFUCKer!
          81.
                        
                        
         Rhi, who was loading books in her locker, sees this and
         happily slams her locker shut. Breezing past her --
                        
                         RHIANNON
          My sentiments exactly...
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (SNIDELY)
          Oh, grow up!
                        
         But Rhi keeps on walking.
                        
                        
         EXT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT - DAY
                        
         Micah's on his cell phone, anxiously talking to someone -
         checking every few seconds to see if his mom is on her way
         out.
                        
                         MICAH
          (Into the cell phone)
          I didn't know what to say! I
          panicked! I said I got it from
          Olive Penderghast.
          (Pause.)
          I know, but what was I supposed to
          say?! And then my mom called her
          mom.
          (Pause.)
          No, not Olive's. Marianne's!
          (Pause.)
          I already tried to blame it on
          their divorce, but my mom's not
          buying it. I have to tell them.
          (Pause.)
          Okay. But I love you. I don't
          care if you gave me chlamydia. I
          LOVE YOU and I want to be with you
          and no one can stop us. Not my
          mother, not Marianne, not --
                        
         There's a dial tone.
                        
                        
         INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Mrs. Griffin has just hung up on her teenage lover and begins
         freaking out. She grabs a cardboard box and begins throwing
         items into it.
                        
         Olive bursts into Mrs. Griffin's office and sees Mrs. Griffin
         packing her things.
                        
         As we saw before --
          82.
                        
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
                         (SNAPPING)
          What?! What do you want?
                        
         Olive starts to say something, but Mrs. Griffin can't even
         look at her.
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
          Just go!
                        
         She throws a framed photo of her and Mr. Griffin into the
         box. It shatters. Mrs. Griffin falls apart.
                        
         Olive starts to say something again, but she doesn't know
         what to say, so she sheepishly turns to leave --
                        
         -- and then feels awkward.
                        
                         OLIVE
          I'm sorry, I was just looking for
          Marianne. Did she say something
          about being mad at me? She just
          smacked the shi -- `crap' out of
          me.
                        
         This makes Mrs. Griffin cry even harder. She attempts to
         pull herself together.
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
          It's my fault. I'm so sorry,
          Olive.
                        
         Olive looks at her, quizzically.
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
                         (SOTTO VOCE)
          I fucked up. I fucking fucked up
          SO fucking bad. I'm a fucking....
          Fuck.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Don't get me wrong. I love it, but
          I don't think you're supposed to
          use those words around a student.
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
          Yeah, well, you're not to supposed
          to fuck them, either. But it
          didn't stop me.
                        
         Olive puts two and two together in her head. She gasps a
         little louder than she planned.
          83.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE
          You and -- Oh my God. I'm not
          judging you or anything, but oh my
          God.
                         (SWITCHING GEARS)
          Wait. What does that have to do
          with me?
                        
         Mrs. Griffin walks over and locks her office door. She
         fights back more tears, as she tries to explain to Olive.
                        
          OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
          My guidance counselor, who had only
          days before armed me with a latex
          bulletproof vest, told me that she
          had chlamydia and that she had been
          screwing around with her office
          aide's boyfriend under the guise of
          divorce counseling. She confided
          in me that she and her husband - my
          favorite teacher - were having
          marital problems, that they hadn't
          slept together in months. She
          assured me that she had never meant
          for anything to happen with Micah.
          She confessed to me how when she
          was a child she always dreamt of
          being Maria Von Trapp, not Mary Kay
          Letorneau. Micah had panicked and
          used me as a scapegoat - to save
          her job and her marriage. She
          assured me that she would make sure
          everyone knew the truth and
          apologized.
                        
         Mrs. Griffin stops talking and waits for Olive to speak.
                        
          OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
          And I bought it.
                        
         Olive gives her a reassuring smile, steps up to the plate and
         offers up a solution.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          I could have chlamydia. And I
          could easily have given it to
          Micah. That time we slept
          together. Who knows? Often times
          women don't have symptoms and I
          have been whoring around....
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
          No you haven't.
          84.
                        
                        
         Olive looks at her, puzzled by her knowledge.
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
                         (LOOKING AWAY)
          Because a real whore can't admit it
          to herself, let alone others.
                        
         She begins to weep.
                        
         Olive puts her hand on Mrs. Griffin's shoulder.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Call Micah. Tell him I said he's
          an asshole and that he owes me SO
          big for this and also the time I
          pretended not to see him during a
          third grade game of hide and seek.
          Tell him I still remember that.
          But tell him that I confessed to
          giving him chlamydia.
                        
         Mrs. Griffin grabs Olive and cries on her.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          And it's not really my place to say
          this, but I figure after the
          conversation we just had, I can
          speak candidly. Your husband is
          HOT and while the male adolescent
          can fuck like a bunny... who really
          wants to fuck a bunny? If I was
          you, I'd go home and seduce him and
          pretend this never happened.
                        
         Olive strokes her guidance counselor's hair.
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
                         (SNIVELING)
          Do you want some more condoms?
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (MATERNALLY)
          No, you keep them.
                        
         She strokes her hair.
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                        
         Into the webcam --
                        
                         OLIVE
          So, really how could I be angry at
          Marianne?
                         (MORE)
          85.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          Dude, if some bimbo gave MY
          boyfriend an STD, I'd have swung,
          but I'd have balled my fist.
                         (WHIMSICALLY)
          My boyfriend.
          (She gets lost in the
                         THOUGHT)
          With all the mythical play I was
          getting, it's a wonder - and
          probably a miracle - that I still
          hadn't actually been asked out on a
          real date. Guys were clamoring to
          claim that they'd slept with me,
          but no one was putting the real
          moves on me. Until finally...
                        
                        
         EXT. PLAYGROUND - YEARS BEFORE
                        
         Two LITTLE 5 YEAR OLD GIRLS (Olive and Rhiannon) chase a
         LITTLE BOY all over the playground, desperate to kiss him.
                        
         They plot and plan to corner him, but he's just too fast.
                        
          OLIVE (V.O.)
          It was really Rhiannon who had a
          crush on him. She has since we
          were kids.
                        
         Rhiannon finally catches him and kiss him on the cheek.
         Repulsed, he wipes his face.
                        
         Rhiannon and Olive high five each other.
                        
                        
         INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
                        
         Olive eats her lunch and yuks it up with a table full of
         guys. Rhiannon sits at a different table, mostly comprised
         of girls, and glares at her from across the room.
                        
         The bell rings and the students begin getting up and making
         their way toward the exit.
                        
         Anson (who we saw earlier with Rhiannon in the hallways)
         approaches Olive.
                        
                         ANSON
          Hey Olive.
                        
         Olive smiles sweetly at him.
          86.
                        
                        
                         ANSON (CONT'D)
          I was wondering if you were busy
          tonight. Maybe wanna go out or
          something?
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (SUSPICIOUS)
          What did you have in mind?
                        
                         ANSON
          I dunno. I was thinking about
          chartering a hot air balloon,
          taking along a bottle of champagne
          and fresh fruit and then trying to
          impress you with an overzealous
          reading of Emily Dickinson.
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (COYLY)
          Why, Anson, are you inviting me to
          accompany you to a romantic dinner
          at the Red Lobster?
                        
                         ANSON
          Unequivocally.
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (IMPRESSED)
          Nice. Yeah. I'll have dinner with
          you.
                        
         Olive walks off
                        
                        
         INT. RED LOBSTER - NIGHT
                        
         Olive and Anson sit in a booth at a dimly-lit RED LOBSTER.
         Olive looks beautiful. The `A' on her shirt is sequined.
                        
                         OLIVE
          I can't believe you brought me to
          the nicest restaurant in town.
          This is swank. I was beginning to
          think that there was no such thing
          as class.
                        
                         ANSON
          Yeah. What's better than getting
          to select your dinner and have nice
          conversation while they boil it
          alive in the back?
          87.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE
          I think Anson Jr. doesn't mind
          making the sacrifice. You don't
          mind that I named him Anson Jr., do
          you?
                        
                         ANSON
          Not at all. I'm actually kind of
          honored.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Do you believe this whole thing
          about lobster being an aphrodisiac?
                        
                         ANSON
          (Lying out his ass)
          I didn't know it was.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Y'know, medical science has not
          substantiated claims that any
          particular food increases sexual
          desire or performance. It's so
          funny when guys ply women with food
          that they think is gonna get them
          laid. I mean, what's really sexy
          about slurping back oysters? You
          know, native people believed that
          you gained the strength of the
          animal by consuming it. Some
          people grind up rhinoceros horn,
          because it's thought to stiffen the
          male sex organ. It's all bullshit.
          And spanish fly? It's pulverized
          beetle that people eat! Although,
          it's illegal for human consumption
          in the United States and do you
          know why? Because if you take just
          a bit too much, it causes painful
          urination, fever and bloody
          discharge.
                        
         A SERVER appears with their LOBSTER. Anson is an odd shade
         of green from Olive's little science lesson.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          Yum!
                        
         The server leaves them and Olive digs in. Anson is feeling
         nauseous and can't touch his.
                        
         From across the restaurant, a PARADE OF SERVERS enters from
         the back, enthusiastically clapping and holding a cupcake.
          88.
                        
                        
         Leading the brigade is Meerkat Todd, who's wearing a RED FOAM
         LOBSTER HAT.
                        
         With as much spirit, as he has as a meerkat --
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          I don't know but I've been told!
                        
          PARADE OF SERVERS
          I don't know but I've been told!
                        
         He leads them through to another part of the restaurant.
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (TO ANSON)
          I didn't know Meerkat Todd worked
          here! And he's a lobster! I
          wonder if I should start calling
          him Lobster Todd.
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          Marguerite is getting old!
                        
          PARADE OF SERVERS
          Marguerite is getting old!
                        
         They land at the table of the birthday girl. Olive cranes
         her neck to see --
                        
         Rhiannon, miserable of course, sitting with her parents at a
         table in the next room. Olive immediately becomes uneasy.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Shit!
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          The best thing is her dessert is
          free!
                        
          PARADE OF SERVERS
          The best thing is her dessert is
          free!
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          The worst thing is I sing off-key!
                        
          PARADE OF SERVERS
          The worst thing is I sing off-key!
                        
         Olive is visibly squirming in her seat.
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          Sound off!
          89.
                        
                        
          PARADE OF SERVERS
          Happy!
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          Sound off!
                        
          PARADE OF SERVERS
          Birthday!
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          Sound off!
                        
          PARADE OF SERVERS
          Happy birthday to you!
                        
         The whole place applauds, unenthusiastically. Anson sees
         Olive's discomfort.
                        
                         ANSON
          What's wrong?
                        
                         OLIVE
          Rhiannon's over there.
                        
                         ANSON
          So?
                        
                         OLIVE
          So? She's been in love with you
          since the first grade.
                        
                         ANSON
          So?
                        
                         OLIVE
          Well, she's my best friend.
                        
                         ANSON
          I thought you two weren't speaking.
                        
                         OLIVE
          We're not, but it doesn't mean I
          should be out with you.
                        
                         ANSON
          Then why are you?
                        
                         OLIVE
          I don't know. You asked me out?
                        
                         ANSON
          Exactly. I have no interest in
          her. I mean, we're friends, but --
          90.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE
          She can't see us.
                        
                         ANSON
                         (DISAPPOINTED)
          Do you want me to get the check?
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (TOUCHED)
          Would you mind?
                        
         He gestures for the server who appears.
                        
                         ANSON
          Could we get our check?
                        
                         SERVER
                         (CONFUSED)
          Is everything okay?
                        
                         OLIVE
          I just remembered I'm allergic to
          shellfish. I always forget that my
          respiratory system would collapse
          and I'd die. It sucks I know.
                        
         Even more confused, the server obliges and gives them their
         check.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          (Digging in her purse)
          Let me get it. I have a gift
          certificate.
                        
         She pulls it out and hands it to the waitress, who leaves.
                        
                         ANSON
          But I asked you out.
                        
                         OLIVE
          And I ruined it, so let me bear the
          financial brunt.
          (Beat.)
          I'm so sorry about this. But she
          really likes you.
                        
                         ANSON
          She and I just don't have much in
          common.
                        
                         OLIVE
          And you and I do?
          91.
                        
                        
                         ANSON
          I think so. For instance, I, too
          think Nina Howell's a twat.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Yeah, well, if that's our magical
          connection, I should date the
          entire school.
                        
                         ANSON
          Haven't you?
                        
         Olive suddenly becomes self-conscious and a little bit
         pissed.
                        
                         ANSON (CONT'D)
          Kidding!
                        
                         OLIVE
          Yeah, about that --
                        
         The server reappears with the check.
                        
                         SERVER
          You have a remaining balance of
          fourteen dollars and thirty six
          cents.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Keep it. Tip.
                        
         The sever smiles and leaves them again.
                        
                         ANSON
          Let's get out of here.
                        
         They duck out of the booth trying to keep their heads down,
         but Olive can't resist the urge to look up and see if
         Rhiannon sees them.
                        
         She does.
                        
         Olive and Rhiannon make eye contact. Whereas, Olive looks
         remorseful, Rhiannon looks like she's just been stabbed in
         the back -- which she has.
                        
         The Abernathys see her, as well, and wave. It's painfully
         obvious to Olive that Rhi hasn't told her parents about their
         differences. She starts to go over, but Rhiannon's face is
         turning vermillion in anger. Olive just waves, sheepishly
         and leaves with Anson.
          92.
                        
                        
         I/E. ANSON'S CAR - RED LOBSTER PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER
                        
         Olive's face is painted with guilt. She feels like shit, but
         doesn't want to externalize it.
                        
         Anson puts his hand on her knee.
                        
                         ANSON
          I have something for you.
                        
         Olive manages a smile. He reaches into his pocket and pulls
         out a $500 GIFT CERTIFICATE to ANTHROPOLOGIE and hands it to
         her.
                        
         Olive is disappointed, but tries not to show it.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Oh. I didn't realize --
                        
         Snapping out of her guilt.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          Okay. So, what did we "do" on this
          date?
                        
                         ANSON
          Whatever $500 gets me.
                        
         He leans over and kisses her. She pushes him off.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Wait. This isn't how it works. I
          don't actually --
                        
         But he's kissing her again, a little too forcibly. She
         pushes him off again.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          You don't get it. I'm not
          technically having sex with people
          for money. You know that, right?
          Besides, even if I was, we're in
          the parking lot of a Red Lobster.
                        
                         ANSON
          We can go wherever you want, but I
          think it would be kind of hot here.
                        
         He takes off his shirt.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Dude, I gotta go. It's been --
          sad.
          93.
                        
                        
         She gets out of the car. He rolls down the window.
                        
                         ANSON
          Olive, you're being stupid. I'll
          take you home.
                        
                         OLIVE
          No thanks.
                        
         He drives off, leaving her outside in the parking lot.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          Fuck.
                        
         As luck would have it, Meerkat Todd, is coming out the back
         exit. He sees her and gives her a surprised, toothy grin.
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          Hey Olive!
                        
                         OLIVE
          Hey Todd.
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          What are you doing here?
                        
                         OLIVE
          Oh, I'm just hanging out in the
          parking lot. I do that sometimes.
          Not necessarily just here. The one
          outside of Applebee's is fun, too.
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          (Laughing at her oddness)
          You want a ride somewhere?
                        
                         OLIVE
          Nah. I'm fine.
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          Your friend Rhi is inside. It's
          her Mom's birthday.
                        
         Tears begin to glisten in Olive's eyes.
                        
                         OLIVE
          She's not my friend anymore.
                        
         Todd walks over and puts his arm around her and leads her to
         his car. He opens the door for her and she sits down.
          94.
                        
                        
         I/E. MEERKAT TODD'S CAR - NIGHT
                        
         Olive is trying to pull herself together but she can't stop
         crying as Todd drives her home.
                        
         Todd doesn't know what to say to her. Finally --
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          You wanna talk about it?
                        
                         OLIVE
          What's to say? I'm a horrible
          person. Everyone thinks I'm a
          whore and, for the first time, I'm
          starting to believe it.
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          Huh?
                        
                         OLIVE
          Oh, don't act like you don't know
          what people are saying about me.
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          I know what people are saying.
          Doesn't mean I believe them.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Why not?
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          Olive, contrary to popular belief,
          I'm not an idiot. I know exactly
          what's going on and I know exactly
          what you're doing.
                        
         She stops crying.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Who told you?
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          No one had to tell me. All I know
          is once upon a time, there was a
          scared little kid in a closet at a
          party who wasn't ready for his
          first kiss and there was this
          amazing little girl who lied for
          him.
                        
         She smiles through her tears.
                        
                         OLIVE
          You remember that?
          95.
                        
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          Yeah and after I ran out, you
          pulled Brandon in. Yeah, I know
          about that, by the way.
                        
                         OLIVE
          And look how he turned out.
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          Sometimes I still pretend you were
          my first kiss.
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (LAUGHING)
          Yeah? Who was?
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          Your friend. Rhiannon.
                        
         Olive's laughter turns to rage.
                        
                         OLIVE
          What!?
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          Yeah. About a year later. It
          sucked.
                        
                         OLIVE
          (Blurting it out)
          She knew how I felt about you!
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          How do you feel about me?
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (IGNORING HIM)
          She did it first! And here I am
          feeling SOOOO bad and THAT BITCH!
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          Wait. How do you feel about me?
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (AGGRESSIVELY DEFENSIVE)
          Felt! I said FELT!
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
                         (DISAPPOINTED)
          Oh.
                        
         He stops the car. They're at her house.
          96.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE
          (Off his look)
          I mean, it's not that I don't still
          feel that way.
                        
         There's an awkward moment between them.
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          Olive. If I promise not to tell
          anyone, could I kiss you?
                        
         Despite the fact that this is positively the most romantic
         moment of her young life, Olive looks down.
                        
                         OLIVE
          No. Not tonight. I don't want you
          to kiss me when mascara's running
          down my cheek or some shithead has
          forced his tongue down my throat
          only a half-hour ago. I've wanted
          to kiss you since the eighth grade,
          but I want it to be perfect. And
          right now, my life's a mess. I
          need to get it under control before
          I drag you into it.
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          What if I told you I wanted to be
          dragged into it? Maybe I could
          help.
                        
         He holds out his hand and she takes it.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Now I have a reason to fix this
          catastrophe I've brought upon
          myself. And I'm going to.
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          Okay.
                        
         He smiles his goofy grin and she embraces him. She hops out
         of the car and goes to her front door.
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                        
         Into her webcam --
                        
                         OLIVE
          You see, now I had a reason for
          things to go back to the way that
          they were.
                         (MORE)
          97.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          The truth needed to be told and I
          knew I had to go the one person who
          could help me. The one person I
          could count on to set the story
          straight. Brandon. I'd helped him
          and, even though it would destroy
          his new reputation for being a
          stud, I knew he would help me.
                        
                        
         INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
                        
         Filling the frame, a GOSSIPY GIRL in braces says --
                        
                         GOSSIPY GIRL
          Oh my God, did you hear that
          Brandon ran away from home? Yeah.
          Totally. He left his parents a
          note that said: `Eff you, I'm gay.'
          And then he skipped town with a
          big, hulking black guy.
                        
         We spin around to see Olive's stunned reaction.
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (TO HERSELF)
          My apologies to Mark Twain.
                        
                         GOSSIPY GIRL
          Huh?
                        
         The reality of the situation begins to weigh on her.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Nothing.
                        
         Defeated, Olive makes her way through the crowded halls.
                        
          OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
          It gets worse. Due to his
          `condition,' Micah was sent on an
          extended visit to his grandparents
          in Mississippi.
                        
                        
         INT. STUFFY OLD HOUSE IN MISSISSIPPI - DAY
                        
         Micah, beyond miserable, sits between his STERN GRANDPARENTS,
         who read the Bible to him.
          98.
                        
                        
          OLIVE (V.O.)
          No telephone, no television, no
          computer, no internet and - most
          importantly - no diseased sexual
          partners.
                        
         Micah settles in for a very long visit.
                        
                        
         INT. UNDER THE BLEACHERS - GYM - DAY
                        
         Where they had previously met, Olive pleads with Evan.
                        
          OLIVE (V.O.)
          I went to everyone I'd helped and
          begged them to say it wasn't true.
                        
                         EVAN
          No way. I gave you money.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Please, Evan.
                        
         He walks off, leaving her alone.
                        
                        
         INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - DAY
                        
         Olive waits for Mrs. Griffin's response. There's a long
         moment of contemplation on Mrs. Griffin's part. Then --
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
          Olive, life is full of choices. I
          made a bad one. But then, so did
          you. We both acted unwisely, but I
          don't see any other alternative
          than to live with the guilt. My
          guilt stems from my indiscretion,
          yours for lying. We've made our
          choices. Now, we have to ride them
          out.
                        
                         OLIVE
          (Pissed as hell)
          Or I could just tell everyone THE
          TRUTH.
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
          Fine, Olive. Let's play the `who
          do you believe' game. But, first,
          ask yourself, if you were an adult,
          who would you believe?
          99.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE
          With all due respect, Mrs. Griffin,
          you're a fucking cunt.
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN
          Because you helped me once, I'm not
          going to report that to Principal
          Gibbons. Now, we're even.
                        
         They're locked in a Mexican standoff.
                        
          MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
          You can go now.
                        
         Furious, Olive throws the door open and exits.
                        
                        
         INT. MR. GRIFFIN'S CLASSROOM - DAY
                        
         Mr. Griffin is erasing the blackboard, when Olive storms into
         the room.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Your wife has chlamydia and she's
          been sleeping with a student and
          she gave it to him and now she's
          trying to blame me.
                        
         Shocked, Mr. Griffin drops the eraser.
                        
          MR. GRIFFIN
          What?
                        
         The gravity of what she's just done sinks in and she
         stumbles.
                        
                         OLIVE
          I -- I'm sorry. I --
                        
         Not knowing what to say, she runs from his classroom.
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                        
         Olive is mirthless, as she proceeds with her story.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Looking back, that's the thing I
          regret the most. That's the thing
          that sent me to the church, er,
          churches. And that's the thing
          that made me realize how profoundly
          I'd fucked up.
                         (MORE)
          100.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          And that's something I'll have to
          live with for the rest of my life.
          With my words, even though they
          were true, I ended a marriage. No
          kid should have to be burdened with
          that.
                        
         She contemplates this.
                        
                        
         INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
                        
         As we saw before, Olive sits and plays `CONNECT FOUR' with
         Mr. Griffin, at his desk. Both are looking beaten down and
         very depressed and their minds are on everything but the
         game.
                        
         Mr. Griffin puts his hand on Olive's.
                        
          MR. GRIFFIN
          It's not your fault.
                        
         Olive gets a tear in her eyes. She puts a RED CHIP in at the
         top and loses the game. She reaches over and presses the
         lever, causing all of the chips to fall on his desk.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         THE JENGA SET-UP
                        
         There's a ridiculously tall tower of blocks and they all fall
         down.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
         He rakes the chips and the game into his own cardboard box,
         full of his things.
                        
         He smiles and she hugs him -- intensely, tears quickly
         welling up in her eyes.
                        
                         OLIVE
          I'm so sorry.
                        
          MR. GRIFFIN
          No. It's not your fault.
                        
         They just hold each other. Finally, Mr. Griffin pulls away
         and takes his things and starts to leave. But then he turns
         and says --
          101.
                        
                        
          MR. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
          I hope that you and Todd end up
          okay.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Me too. Where are you going?
                        
          MR. GRIFFIN
          Not sure yet. Away from her.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Can I come?
                        
         They share one last, pained smile and he leaves.
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                        
         Hearfelt, into the webcam --
                        
                         OLIVE
          Mr. Griffin, if you ever see this,
          just know - I was wrong to tell you
          that. In that way. At all. I
          don't know. I shouldn't have done
          it. I don't feel bad for lying for
          your wife. But I hate myself for
          telling you the truth. I'm so
          sorry.
                        
         She wipes away a tear, pulls herself together.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          Part Five: Not With a Whimper But
          With a Bang.
                        
                        
         EXT. BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
                        
         As we saw before --
                        
         The Cross Your Heart Club is assembled outside of the school,
         with a lot of other kids (and some parents), waving signs on
         wooden stakes that say things like:
                        
         EXPEL OLIVE!
                        
                        EXODUS 20:14
                        
         SCHOOLS ARE FOR LEARNING, NOT FOR WHORING
                        
         OLIVE PENDERGHAST IS A WHORE
                        
         Rhi is among them, as riled up as any.
          102.
                        
                        
         Olive steps out of the school to see the demonstration. her
         jaw drops.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Oh fuck me.
                        
         Things have gotten WAY too out of hand.
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
                        
         Olive cries on her bed, clutching her teddy bear. Rosemary
         listens, as a good mother does.
                        
                         OLIVE
          So, now everyone who knows the
          truth is either gone or won't fess
          up. The Cross Your Legs Club is
          demanding my head. And the messed
          up thing is that I wouldn't put it
          past Gibbons to expel me.
                        
                         ROSEMARY
          I had a similar situation when I
          was your age.
                        
                         OLIVE
                         (IN DISBELIEF)
          Everyone called you a whore?
                        
                         ROSEMARY
          Yes. I had a horrible reputation
          and people said awful things about
          me. But it was true. I was a
          slut.
                        
         Olive gives her a suspicious look.
                        
                         OLIVE
          I'm waiting for you to say
          (Imitating her mother)
          `Just kidding!'
                        
                         ROSEMARY
                         (EARNESTLY)
          No, it's true. I slept with a
          whole bunch of people.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Mom!
                        
                         ROSEMARY
          Well! It was a different time.
          103.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE
         Ewwww!
                        
                         ROSEMARY
         I did. I got around. Before I met
         your father, I was a garden variety
         floozy.
                        
                         OLIVE
         Why are you telling me this?
                        
                         ROSEMARY
         Because I endured a similar
         lynching because of a certain
         dalliance.
                        
                         OLIVE
         I promise that it was no worse than
         Marianne Bryant's attack on me.
                        
                         ROSEMARY
         Wanna bet? It was her mother.
                        
                         OLIVE
         Wait, what?
                        
                         ROSEMARY
         Yep. Don Bryant and I got caught
         in a very compromising position in
         the locker room during a basketball
         game.
                        
                         OLIVE
         That's disgusting! He's
         disgusting!
                        
                         ROSEMARY
         He wasn't back then. He was
         actually pretty handsome. All I'm
         saying is that MAYBE the reason
         that Bryant girl is going after you
         is because her mother told her
         about me.
                        
                         OLIVE
         So, the sins of the mother are
         revisited on the daughter.
                        
                         ROSEMARY
         There's something else you should
         know. This is hard to say but --
         Don Bryant is your father.
         Marianne is your sister.
          104.
                        
                        
         Olive turns white.
                        
                         ROSEMARY (CONT'D)
          Kidding!! Well, about the sister
          thing, but not about the Don thing.
          That happened. Actually that
          happened a couple of times before
          we got caught.
                        
         Olive punches her mother on the arm, who's laughing
         hysterically.
                        
                         OLIVE
          I hate you so much right now.
          Can't you see I'm a mess!
                        
                         ROSEMARY
          No, you're not, Olive. You're
          wonderful. And you're going to
          handle this the same way that I
          did. With an incontrovertible
          sense of humor.
                        
         They embrace and Olive gets an idea.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Thanks for the pep talk, Mom. Now
          get out. I need to make some phone
          calls.
                        
         Rosemary looks slightly concerned by the grin on Olive's
         face.
                        
                        
         INT. GYM - DAY
                        
         We join a pep rally, already in progress.
                        
         The DANCE TEAM attempts to rile up the school with a rousing
         rendition of Michael Jackson's `BAD.'
                        
         In the stands, Rhi sits with Marianne and Nina.
                        
                         MARIANNE
          So, Olive wasn't at school today.
                        
         She extends her palms to Nina and Rhi, who both slap them.
         Marianne puts her arm around Rhi.
                        
                         MARIANNE (CONT'D)
          I'm so glad you're with us now.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Me too. You guys fucking rock.
          105.
                        
                        
                         MARIANNE
          We don't say that word, Rhiannon.
                        
                         NINA
                         (HELPFULLY)
          Just say `effing' instead. We
          effing rock.
                        
         Marianne nods in agreement, however Rhi is confused.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          But isn't that just implying the
          same word?
                        
                         MARIANNE
          Oh, Rhiannon. We have so much to
          teach you. It's okay to imply
          things.
                        
         Rhiannon looks at her new best friends, who just smile at
         her.
                        
         The song ends and there's a drum roll.
                        
                         RHIANNON
          Yay! It's time for Meerkat Todd.
                         (SEXUALLY)
          I just want to rip that costume off
          him and --
                        
         Marianne puts her hand firmly on Rhi's knee.
                        
                         MARIANNE
          Why don't you just not talk for a
          while, okay hon?
                        
         Rhi puts her head down.
                        
         The drum roll ends and Meerkat Todd bounces out in costume.
         He jumps around enthusing the student body --
                        
         But then he goes out of the gym and reenters pushing a
         DUMPSTER.
                        
         The familiar chords of the James Bond theme `Nobody Does It
         Better' plays from the band.
                        
         Meerkat Todd opens the lid of the dumpster and Olive, dressed
         in a glittery and slinky RED DRESS, with a BOA draped around
         her bare shoulder, pops up and croons with a handheld mic and
         slightly different lyrics:
          106.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE
          Nobody does it better.
          Makes me feel sad for the rest.
          Nobody does it half as good as me.
          Baby, I'm the best.
                        
         Todd lifts Olive out of the dumpster and she sings her ass
         off - and she's quite good.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          I wasn't lookin,'
          But somehow they found me.
          I tried to hide from
          Your love light.
          But like heaven above me
          The guys who loved me
          Are keepin' all my secrets safe
          tonight.
                        
         She winks at the audience. The guys begin to wolf whistle
         and howl at her sheer brilliance.
                        
         She begins to rub her hands seductively over Meerkat Todd's
         furry costume, eventually unzipping it and taking off the
         head to reveal:
                        
         BLUE DEVIL TODD! The crowd goes wild.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          And nobody does it better
          Though sometimes I wish someone
          could.
          Nobody does it quite the way I do.
          Why'd I have to be so good?
                        
         She saunters over to Rhi and kisses her on the cheek, leaving
         a big, red lip mark.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          The way that they hold me
          Whenever they hold me
          There's some kind of magic inside
          you.
          That keeps me from runnin',
          But just keep it comin'!
          How'd you learn to do the things
          you do?
                        
         She sees that Gibbons is not amused, but that doesn't stop
         her.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          Oh, and nobody does it better.
          Makes me feel sad for the rest.
                         (MORE)
          107.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          Nobody does it half as good as me.
          Baby, baby!
          Darlin', I'm the best!
                        
         She walks over to a couple of HORN PLAYERS, and runs her
         fingers seductively over their (uh) instruments.
                        
         The crowd goes wild - some appalled, but most enthused.
                        
         Olive sashays through the crowd as the MALE TEENS scream and
         stuff money down her bodice.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          Baby you're the best!
          Darlin', you're the best!
          Baby, you're the best!
                        
         The song ends and Olive takes Blue Devil Todd's hand.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          (To the student body)
          This is just a free preview. For
          the main event log on to
          www.freeolivep.com tonight at 6
          p.m. Now, I know this conflicts
          with tonight's basketball game, but
          c'mon would you rather be here
          cheering on the Meerkats
          (Looking at Todd,
                         LASCIVIOUSLY)
          or watch me do one.
                        
         There are audible gasps, but excitement nonetheless.
                        
         Gibbons angrily storms over and takes the microphone.
                        
                         PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
          (Through gritted teeth)
          Young lady, to my office. NOW.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Yeah, I can't. I'm gonna go bang
          my boyfriend while the whole school
          watches. But good luck with the
          game-thing. Go Meerkats.
                        
         She plods out, triumphantly.
                        
                        
         INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - DUSK
                        
         The sun is setting as Olive speaks into her webcam. But this
         time, we're not seeing it through the lens, but from a
         different point in the room.
          108.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE
          And here you all are. Waiting
          outside the closet door for me to
          kiss Todd, listening to me pretend
          to have sex with Brandon, paying me
          to lie for you, calling probably
          the last virgin in school a whore.
          Guys. Seriously.
                        
         All of a sudden -- from outside and downstairs --
                        
         James' `LAID' begins to play.
                        
         Olive goes over to the window and sees Todd below, holding up
         a BOOMBOX (a la John Cusack) and there's a RIDE-ON LAWN MOWER
         (a la Patrick Dempsey) behind him.
                        
         Upon seeing this, she bursts into laughter, but it couldn't
         be more romantic.
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
                         (SHOUTING DOWN)
          Who told you that I loved this
          song?
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
                         (SHOUTING UP)
          I guessed.
                        
                         OLIVE
          I see you've been watching my live
          webcast. It's still going on, you
          know.
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          Fuck them. They've had enough of
          you. Well, figuratively speaking.
          I borrowed my neighbor's John
          Deere. Come down here.
                        
                         OLIVE
          That rhymed.
                        
                         MEERKAT TODD
          Intentionally.
                        
                         OLIVE
          Be right down.
                        
         Olive can't get the smile off of her face as she goes back to
         the camera.
                        
         We see her through the lens.
          109.
                        
                        
                         OLIVE (CONT'D)
          That's Todd. Not that I owe any of
          you any more confessions, but I'm
          really in love with him. And I am
          going to lose my virginity to him.
          I'm not sure when. It could happen
          five minutes from now or tonight or
          six months from now or maybe on our
          wedding night, but the really
          amazing thing is that it's nobody's
          business.
          (As an afterthought)
          Like, totally.
                        
         She turns the camera off.
                        
                        
         EXT. THE PENDERGHAST HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
                        
         Olive runs out of the house and tackles him, kissing him -
                        
         in the front yard,
                        
         in broad daylight,
                        
         for the world to see.
                        
          FADE OUT.
                        
                        
                        
                        
         OVER THE END CREDITS...
                        
                        
         EXT. GYM - NIGHT
                        
         The basketball game is going on to an almost empty gymnasium.
                        
                        
                        MONTAGE
                        
         We see, from the perspective of their computer screens,
         various reactions to Olive's webcast --
                        
         -- A proud Brandon watches from a hotel room. A MUSCULAR
         BLACK GUY in a towel comes up behind him and kisses his neck.
                        
         -- The Abernathys watch with the same demented glee they
         derive from watching anything.
                        
         -- Mrs. Griffin watches with the face of a person who's been
         found out and who's days are numbered. They are.
          110.
                        
                        
         -- Rhi seems contemplative. Maybe it's because she's been in
         love with Olive since grade school. Duh.
                        
         -- Evan, the fat kid, is doing jumping jacks while watching.
                        
         -- Melanie Bostic (the host of the party) watches with a
         group of girls.
                        
                         MELANIE
                         (SATISFIED)
          Told you guys. Pay up.
                        
         -- Marianne feels regret. But a little bit impressed.
                        
         -- Mr. Griffin is proud of her.
                        
         -- Micah watches in his dark bedroom.
                        
          MICAH'S GRANDMOTHER (O.S.)
          Micah? What are you doing in
          there?
                         (STERNLY)
          You had better not be on the sin-
          ternet.
                        
         -- Rosemary and Dill are too busy making out to watch.
                        
         -- Anson has a jar of vaseline and is ready to jerk off, but
         is upset that she isn't `exposing herself' in the
         aforementioned way.
                        
                         ANSON
                         (TO HIMSELF)
          I thought she was going to take her
          clothes off.
                        
                        
         EXT. THE PENDERGHAST HOUSE - HOURS LATER
                        
         Olive and Todd are still kissing on the lawn underneath the
         stars.
                        
          FADE OUT.
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